Otherwise, we'd probably be praying the two of us
So with that, here are a few tips onSurviving in a Blended Family:[Or just surviving in ANY FAMILY, as these rules apply to anyone dealing with more than one child.]
It's 90 degrees today in Upstate New York, and I have been smacked in the face by yet another OCD tendency of my 6 year old. The tedious process went away this winter season and luckily seemed to escape my memory for the past 8 or so months.
But 90 degree weather and 2 days of straight sunshine has caused a sudden re-birth.
Posted by Susan at 3:40 PM
Parents, that could be a sign.
Have you seen or heard anything about the latest blogging rage called "Mommy Confessions"? I actually saw some of the bloggers and contributors on Oprah a few weeks ago who, thank F_*#%ing God, have finally convinced me I'm not the only mom around here that doesn't claim perfection.
And I'm sure as hell not about to link you up to it either, because my confessions are as good as theirs. And anyway, I've been admitting my faults for some time now, unlike others.
So then it hit me... I think my entire blog is one F_%#ed Up Confession in general. I mean seriously, all day I've been asking myself, what the hell compels me to write about my husband's smelly taint?
But I've also never claimed to be a writer, especially one of substance. So what better else to do than steal the theme for my own personal blog content? Right?
A few personal confessions this week:
1. One of the hot dogs I was preparing for the kids dinner this weekend rolled across our entire kitchen floor, but because we had so many neighborhood brats over to eat, my husband gave me the look of approval and I swiftly lunged and grabbed that dog of dogs while quickly blowing lint off before serving.
2. I chose to serve the linty dog to my own child because I feared that in the small chance it rolled over an invisible pile of killer bacteria, I should have at least ensured it was my own kid that got sick. Right?
3. I'm embarrassed writing this because I think some of the people in my personal life now who read this will never trust in eating at my home again. But in all honesty, an "invisible pile of killer bacteria" could easily exist on our kitchen floor.
4. My daughters had their first experimentation with googling "bad" words. And let's just say that the conversation involved thorough explanation of why a woman shouldn't allow anyone else to straddle, lick or touch their own body parts because such behavior is not "respecting your own body".
5. My girls then decided to mimic certain contorted positions they seemed to have witnessed online while asking me what "respecting your own body" means.
6. I decided to give them a fudgsicle if we could just change the subject. And to be honest, I'm wondering if they learned those contorted positions online or if they actually just woke up late one night and we simply didn't hear them.
7. This story actually happened last year, but I'm confessing it today because my 6 year old typed "sex" in the search bar at my Moms office last week while she had them for a few hours. This obviously brought back memories.
I think I've mentioned before how my husband takes pride in his manscaping abilities - and actually I believe it was the topic of his first guest post a month or so back. Remember, the quick mention of "manscaping" and "pubes" that brought Blogger Stalker Ronald10021 out of the word works, and caused me to go into hiding for some time? But anyway, back to my man's pride around caring for his Netherland Region - it's rather quite rewarding, and something I have grown to appreciate.
Especially after yesterday.
Baby, let's make a pit stop:
Posted by Susan at 8:32 AM
Honey, Can you pull out the HOSE, please?
Dear Naked Lady At My Gym,
I have simply one question for you.
I mean, WHY, IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU STAND THERE F'n NAKED FOREVER, NOT DOING ANYTHING IN THE GYM LOCKER ROOM???? WHY???
I really can't take it anymore.
And the fact that you were STILL there staring at yourself in the bathroom mirrors when I exited the stall to wash my hands and had to BRUSH UP AGAINST YOUR GOD FOR SAKEN NAKED ASS to throw my paper towel away in the garbage can, is just.simply.beyond.me.
Are you married to the Close-Talker man that hangs naked in the Men's room swinging his sac in front of my husband every so (too) often? Because if that's your husband, you might want to warn him that he's close to being neutered.
Graciously and Always Partly Covered,
Check it out:
Do not alter step-child's solar system project to include a real anus.
Ps... Click on over to my serious side... I'm today's contributor over at Real World: Venus vs. Mars.
Posted by Susan at 10:01 AM
Posted by Susan at 12:05 AM
Posted by Susan at 12:05 AM