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I desperately need some advice. Even from those parents who are raising kids in a regular marriage vs. blended, divorced setting:
How much is TOO MUCH when it comes to extracurricular activities for kids?????
Just between my two step-sons, we have practices on Monday, Tuesday and Friday nights. Practices for us are 30-60 miles away depending on the night because we live 25 miles from the boys' Mom. So from the time they leave for school that morning, they don't get back to our house those nights until 7:30pm... and Friday nights not until 8:30.
Then weekend games start as early as 8am. However these are the games located 60 minutes away, so to get there in time to "warm-up", my husband is waking Step-son #1 up on Saturday mornings as early as 6:30am - that's earlier than school days! Indoor soccer games follow Basketball on Saturdays, which can be anywhere from 11am to 2pm. However these games are 10 miles in the opposite direction of where we live, so add another 60 minute drive in between just in order to get from one game to another.
In the meantime, I can't even participate anymore (not that the driving interests me at all, but the fact I can't support his playing makes me sad at times), because I'm driving my girls to either basketball or soccer Saturday mornings. Not that they are striving athletes, but they want to participate in something "for fun". And forget the comments around why my husband always has to go to Step-Brother #1's sports and not theirs... talk about being torn and put right in the middle. It's heartbreaking and totally sucks.
In addition to this, step-sons' Mom has now signed the boys up for open Basketball leagues on Sundays. This again is a 30 mile drive for us. Games are between 1 and 4, and of course the boys play in separate leagues, so it's now several hours of our Sunday that we will no longer be together.
The fall is the same with outdoor soccer and football going on, and spring will bring t-ball and something else.
I want family time. I want a sacred day. And we continuously get undermined by a parent who can not set boundaries, can not say "no" to her children, and has no compassion for what our schedule and limited time with the boys really looks like.
So today we communicated to dear Hubby's EX a new rule in our house where one day per weekend will from now on moving forward be sacred. No sports, no activities, no driving miles away. We are going to go bowling as a family. Or to a movie. Or do game day.
And she won't have it.
In her mind we will be punishing the boys in choosing. We are setting unfair rules and ultimately it will be the boys who will suffer. How could we do such a thing when they have interest in playing or participating in something? It just won't work she says.
God forbid they actually have some quality time with their family. How unfair.
Are we complete assholes? Oh, no...that's right. We're actually responsible parents who know limitations and boundaries need to be made by the adults, and that in this already fucked up world, there is no family connection as it is.
Big middle finger up to you my dear Hubby's Ex... I swear, maybe someday you will see that being the hero parent in the way you see it is just setting your kids up for failure. Go ahead and adopt another team member and enjoy the miles of driving back and forth from town to town. Keep screaming like an idiot in the bleachers... the kids get a big kick out of that. We won't miss you a bit as we go have family competition day at the local bowling alley for 3 hours. We'll crack up at Daughter #1 as she competes as if she's a professional bowler yet cries after each gutter ball. Daughter #2 will sneakily give nicknames and change scores on the computer monitor while no one is looking, patiently waiting for us to question if the machine suddenly froze or broke. Step-son #1 will continuously drop his ball on his backward swing and accidentally hit one of us every time, while Step-son #2 will just be scarfing down hotdogs, french fries and chicken tenders. He won't even stop to breathe... unless it's to blow bubbles through a straw in his X-tra Large sized Coke cup.
Total punishment I say.
Seriously, am I being unreasonable? Put me in my place if I am. I need it.
Friday, January 15, 2010
When is it TOO MUCH? Another Reason I Loathe My Husbands EX...
Posted by Susan at 11:22 AM
Labels: Connecting with my family is most important yet I'M the ASSHOLE, Kids that do way too much
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11 comments:
I can't begin to imagine what it's like dealing with an ex. My son is only 2 yrs old.... so obviously, I'm not in your shoes yet. BUT, my husband and I have already discussed this. Sports/activities will be kept to a minimum. There won't be something 4 or 5 days a week...period! I think kids are to freakin overloaded today as it is..... parents' fault. Kids understand boundries and they understand when they can push and push to get what they want.
Family time is sacred! Thinking your an ass? I don't think so.
Just wait! If the Ex is not too crazy to form a relationship with another man who has kids, you will be expected to help with more of the boys activites because she has to have time with the new guy. And if your husband balks, she will be sure to say he is not putting the needs of his kids first. Oh, and you manipulate him too.
Just so you know...
Oh! Girlfriend! Get your glass of red wine, I'll get mine, and let's talk! When I met my husband he lived in a suburb north of Chicago and his ex-wife and his three kids lived in a southwestern suburb of Chicago. It would have been easier if we had been in NYC! That hour (plus) commute nearly did me in! So, we moved two blocks away from her. So much easier? In a way I guess you could say so.
An hour away, a 5 minute stroll. It doesn't really matter. The situation is fraught with grief. The only advice that I could give you is what you are already doing.
Support and love your husband. Keep your eye on the prize. You have met a man who you adore. Plus, you are blogging! Every, every, every single therapist worth their salt will tell you to journal, journal, journal.
You are a damn genius!!
I wish I'd had this outlet 12 years ago when I married my husband.
Keep sharing your story. It is really helpful to read about your challenges and your gentle hearted approach to working with your husband and step-children. I bet they totally love you!
Thank You For Sharing Your Story!
Denise Burks
www.stepmotherinthesuburbs.blogspot.com
No you are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. Family is the only thing that nurtures the soul... it is what give a person their self assurance. You need time with family to bond and keep that bond strong so you can rely on it when you go through those rough times.
Sports come and go. They are fun and become a part of you, but are NOT important enough to take away ALL family time.
SO no... you are not unreasonable.
Although we don't experience life with an ex situation - we do suffer the 'how much is too much' sometimes. Total agreement with you as far as limits. Family time is precious - fight for it.
I am kind of in the same situation... I have a ten year old step daughter. She just recently made a move to Virginia from Mass. This was court ordered, we fought for almost a year to keep her here. Her mother wanted to live with her "boyfriend". So the judge said "sure, why not!". Another story for another day. My stepdaughter does dance 3 nights during the week, and doesnt get home until usually close to ten. Suddenly, our one weekend a month visits are being completely rearranged because of dance rehearsals and recitals. Its so annoying. The Ex, also known as slutbag or douche, between my husband and I, sees nothing wrong with this. After all, she "needs to learn responsibility and commitment." This coming from the woman who couldnt keep her legs closed the entire time she was married to my husband. Commitment. Right. Just try and let it roll of your back. There is very little, we as Stepmothers can do. We have little control, yet our lives are totally over run with drama and a crazy ex wife. I feel your pain. Or you could just tell her to eat shit, and do what you and your husband think is best on your weekends.
It sounds like the ex is trying to assert some control over your family. Family time is way more important then any sport or activity, and kids don't need to be going here or there every second. Eliminating activities in favor of quiet time and family time allows for opportunities where the kids can just talk to you and your husband and you all can enjoy being together as a family. I think you guys definitely did the right thing.
First time here but I read your last few entries and I have to say, you're scaring me. She sounds exactly like how my Ex will be as my daughter grows up. Hang in there.
you are not being unreasonable. you know that as well as the rest of us. all I can say is it's your rule on your day and she can't control it. hot dogs, gutterballs and all. Yours! The way YOU want it.
Keep the faith sister.
Wow, I am not alone! Well Susan, I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and he has 3 children from his bi-polar ex wife! Daghter 13, son 12, son 9.
Let me ask you this, how is custody split up and what do you get for visitation?
When we first got together (Brenda) the ex, had the children involved in EVERY activity you can think of; wrestling, boyscouts, baseball, softball and a few really stupid activities. We are 20 min away, and did the driving both ways on Friday & Sunday just to be nice since there was no order in the divorce. Then we also drove all over the country just like you on Sat & Sun! Well as the kids got older we began to PUT OUR FOOT DOWN. They were only to be involved in ONE activity at a time.Because we also wanted ONE day every other weekend for our quality time.
Last year she signed the boys up for wrestling & basketball but on our weekends they had to decide which one they were going to do. Oh and she threw a fit "you know your dad hates to be involved, he won't take you..BLAH BLAH" His daughter from this marriage NEVER got to spend time with him on his weekend, and I also had 3 children and one of them was out for wrestling, so obviously we always were at wrestling meets...well she hated that!! Because that was to easy for US then, so she had them drop wrestling. SHOCKER!! My bofriend is now a coach for baseball, and wrestling and now a fall football league. However it's in the town we live, so she won't let them play baseball here, they did play for the football league, but since her youngest son (different marriage) decided he didn't like it and he quit...I can almost bet that the boys won't be playing this summer either.
We also got OVERLY involved with the teachers and the school they were attending, and SHOCKER now they are moving to a different town. That's ok, because we know the school seen right through her and so will the next school...she always has an excuse, she thought the current school was THE BEST SCHOOL ever, and now she just has to get out of there. She hates that the teachers email us and let us know whats going on @ school.
We finally took her to court for 4 weeks visitation in the summer and a week @xmas every other year, also she has to pick the kids up when our visitation was over. Let's just say she fought us for a year and $3500, she signed the papers the day before court.
What we have learned about her and ex's like her...it is a control issue with her. You have done the RIGHT thing!! The lawyers put right in our papers that they must agree on any extra curricular activities until highschool. You have to take control of YOUR house, the kids will thank you for it later. They really do enjoy just hanging out and not doing anything once in awhile.
Oh also we made school contracts for the kids to sign. It is written that any C- or lower as a class average on the friday they come then they are not allowed to participate in any activities. Our schools post grades online so we can see them whenever. We also would check with the teachers to see if they had late work or 0's, because they lost activities that way too.
So just last month we kept one son from Basketball, so she still tried to dictate and tell us to keep the other son home too because she had problems with him getting work done...yet she allowed him to play basketball on her weekend.
WILL IT EVER END??? I hope the more we stand up to her, eventually she will get tired...DON'T GIVE IN to her, it's the worst thing you can do!!
If anyone has any ideas...please shoot me an email jlm_30_73@hotmail.com
She has no right to plan YOUR weekends. The kids will enjoy getting a day to sleep late!
My friend *Lisa* has kind of the opposite problem. She is the ex. Her husband left her for her best friend, and they are so ugly to her. The new wife talks about Lisa on facebook and they both talk about her in front of the kids. She has done NOTHING to them. She was so devastated that she didn't even get a lawyer for the divorce, so he got the house and everything in it, and he told her how much he would pay for child support. She just quietly went along with everything.
Now they cuss Lisa when she asks about the child support payments. He's about a year behind. They served her with papers to have the child support lowered, so she finally got a lawyer, and they just became enraged that she had the nerve to get a lawyer! Ummm, they had a lawyer, but she's a b*tch if she gets one. Lisa said she didn't care if they lowered it, as long as he would pay something. The ex-husband was working, but wouldn't tell her where,so there was no payroll deduction (which was ordered in the divorce). Her lawyer found 13 instances where he was in contempt of court (not reporting where he worked, etc.), so they decided that maybe they didn't want to go back to court after all. They agreed to lower it $50 a month, but he's still not paying anything. The ex-husband is a total loser who won't keep a job: It's too hot, It's too far, Work day is too long, He doesn't like the people there....
So a man like your husband who cares about his kids and WANTS to spend time with them is a blessing. Don't let the wench cause problems between you and him. Stand firm as a family, and you will be ok! HUGS!!!
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