Sex Education and the Questions That Follow

Sex-Education tips from a Mom who doesn't hold  back:

1. Be prepared to be placed into the "Totally Disgusting" category.  Yep, that's where I landed since my youngest child finally correlated "having a baby" to actually "having had to have sex".  I think I can play this one out to my advantage for a few years.  Sex = Disgusting.  Perfect.

2. Don't compare "sperm" to "fish".  Because after stewing over the conversation for some time, my step-son still can't understand how an actual "fish" could fit into a woman's vagina and swim through her body and stay alive.  I think I'm going to try "squirt gun" next time.

3.  Forget the line about how you promise not to "laugh" or "make fun of them" for ever coming to you with a question.  The whole point of this is to have them trust you, right?  Just abandon this at all costs. Because IMMEDIATELY after you promise not to laugh, you're going to be faced with the dumbest sex question E-V-E-R.  And you're just going to burst out laughing at them.  In their face.  Yep, full LOL.  And they will never come to you again, so save your energy up for the time when they realize Sex does not = Disgusting anymore.

Step Parenting Sucks... sometimes

I absolutely adore my step-sons. I really do. I love my husband even more. And of course, my girls are nothing less than precious to me. But step-parenting sucks sometimes. It's probably one of the most self-less jobs a person can have and brings on so many additional challenges when compared to parenting your own children.

Here are just a couple of things I struggle with:

• The TRANSITION period. Children of divorce get the worst deal. They have absolutely no choice in the option of splitting living time between two separate households. And even harder for them is the difference in rules between houses. Unfortunately, when biological parents fall at opposite ends of the discipline paradigm, these poor little kids fall on their face. Well, at least when they get to our house they fall, because we actually have rules that we enforce. And for them coming to our house, it takes a at least a couple of days to simply transition to how they know they can behave in our home. And this leads to a whole other frustration around being the "mean" parents, or the "assholes". But from the words of my therapist, they will later appreciate or benefit from having structure and set expectations. ("When??!!" I ask, "When???") Rules and appropriate behavioral expectations will benefit them in the long run. I wish they could see that now though, instead of seeing me as the "step-mom" who should have starred in Cinderella.

• MY HUSBAND, THE DAD. I miss my husband when his boys are here. And I realize that he probably feels the same way when his kids are not here, and my girls are clinging to me almost 24 hours a day as if I were their lifeline to survival. Yet, for those 10-15 days each month when those little terds are here, they are glued to my husbands body as if he had a sudden growth on his side that was irremovable. How precious is the fact that they just eat every waking moment with him, because that is what they crave and desire. But inside, I miss him and feel selfish to even type the words.

• BLENDING A FAMILY. With two girls of my own (7 and 10) and my husbands two boys (6 and 9), when we are all together I couldn't be prouder. Yet blending 4 creatures together and cramming their entire lives under one roof for undefined periods of time can only result in chaos. Competition. Argues. Fights. There usually comes a point in time where I literally have to simply "check out". I've even told them that. I can't do it anymore. And then, I hear the uncontrollable giggling amongst them all in the basement, or the constant chit-chat at bedtime when they all insist on sleeping in one room together even though we just moved in order to give them all their own space. And then I fall in love with each of them all over again. Thank God.

I struggle every day hoping that what I do is the best thing for each of them. I hope that I choose the right words, the right timing, the right battles to fight and ultimately that one day, somehow, they will look back and possibly think silently even for one moment in their adult life that I loved them immensely and did the best I could.

I can only hope.

Halloween Hell

I'm not sure what it is about Halloween, but I've decided it's hell. Costumes, makeup, nailpolish on 7 year olds, fish net stockings now on elementary aged kids... and most of you can relate to all the room-parent responsibilities for those of us who pretend we have enough time in our crazy lives to help out our teachers in order to be perceived as a fucking good parent.  Arggghhhh.

My Daughter is pulling her eyelashes out and my therapist thinks I'm crazy

While I'm in the midst of determining my own life purpose, I decided to face the fact that eyelashes actually do have a defined purpose. And my little OCD tendency kid who lives life through quirky routines to deal with some type of anxiety issue I'm sure I'm the root cause of has pretty much plucked almost all of her eyelashes out.

Q)  So what does a reliable "mom" do?

A)  Call her therapist to get back on the schedule.  

4 days... no call back.

Talk about a slap at someone's self esteem. Shit. Here we go again.

The Color of Crack is Quite Scary

Well, I'm finally ready to share a brief summary of my learnings around the color of ass crack. And thanks to my curious children, I'm prepared to dish up some great conversation with strangers at holiday parties this year.

Here's what I found in a nutshell:

1. You can't google "Why are Ass Cracks Pink?" without getting some really nasty search results. Most of the pics I dared to open were things I wouldn't even WANT to share with you. And most of you probably know, I'm usually willing to share quite a bit.

2. There are people who actually post questions on butt crack colors on Medical Websites. And worse off, there are more than too many people that have hairy butt cracks, growths on butt cracks, or bleeding/chaffed butt cracks, who in my opinion are desperately in need of help.

3. There is a drink called "Sand in your Butt Crack". It includes melon liquor, Jack Daniels and pineapple juice I think. I watched a video on it thinking I could at least share SOMETHING valuable in this post, but the drink looked as if it would literally taste like ass crack.

So for now, I lay my search to rest. The curious kid who posed the innocent question around butt crack color a few weeks ago has already moved on to her next fascination in everyday life anyway, which entails picking her eyelashes. And unfortunately every google search on this one points to needing a therapist.

Like mother, like daughter.