Halloween Hell

I'm not sure what it is about Halloween, but I've decided it's hell. Costumes, makeup, nailpolish on 7 year olds, fish net stockings now on elementary aged kids... and most of you can relate to all the room-parent responsibilities for those of us who pretend we have enough time in our crazy lives to help out our teachers in order to be perceived as a "good" parent.


But then again, after thinking about it, hell can also create some pretty damn "cute" things.



I love my 4 little pirates, even in all the hell.

My Daughter is pulling her eyelashes out and my therapist thinks I'm crazy

While I'm in the midst of determining my own life purpose (don't hold your breath... Oprah's articles so far have been less than revealing)... I decided to face the fact that eyelashes actually do have a defined purpose. And my little OCD tendency kid who lives life through quirky routines to deal with some type of anxiety issue has pretty much plucked almost all of her eyelashes out.

So what does a reliable "mom" do?

Call her previous therapist, of course!

But it's been 4 days with no return call.
...
...
...
That's not good, right?

Talk about a slap at someone's self esteem. Shit. Here we go again.

Determining Your Purpose in Life

Yesterday I hit the gym for the first time in a 3 months. New job, new company and new house currently under complete renovation has stepped on my life.

No.

STOMPED on my life.

I realize I'm fortunate to have a job again. I'm thankful to have the opportunity to own a house. But yesterday as I strolled down a local drugstore aisle, the amazing Oprah Winfrey screamed out to me that I was suddenly in need of determining the purpose of my life. This was her months mission. And because this particular magazine rack was bare of every single trash magazine possible, I reluctantly listened.

What a fucking great idea. I need a god damn purpose.

I thought I was a mom. But that gets old by 7:14 am each morning.

I thought I was a sales representative helping patients manage chronic illnesses. Instead I've discovered in a new company that instead, I am a robot instructed to attack my audience targets with scripted messages while ensuring I take up 2 extra minutes of the negative time they have already agreed to see me.

So here I sit, or type for that matter, 24 hours after purchasing the answer to my own life's purpose... and I still haven't opened the front cover yet.

But you can guarantee that when I do, I'll be sure to let you in on the long awaited answer... as long as my purpose is more than just nibbling cheese and blogging life away.

The Color of Crack is Quite Scary

Well, I'm finally ready to share a brief summary of my learnings around the color of ass crack. And thanks to my curious children, I'm prepared to dish up some great conversation with strangers at holiday parties this year.

Here's what I found in a nutshell:

1. You can't google "Why are Ass Cracks Pink" without getting some really nasty search results. Most of the pics I dared to open were things I wouldn't even WANT to share with you. And most of you probably know, I'm usually willing to share quite a lot.

2. There are people who actually post questions on butt crack colors on Medical Websites. And worse off, there are more than too many people that have hairy butt cracks, growths on butt cracks, or bleeding/chaffed butt cracks, who in my opinion are desperately in need of help.

3. There is a drink called "Sand in your Butt Crack". It includes melon liquor, Jack Daniels and pineapple juice I think. I watched a video on it thinking I could at least share SOMETHING valuable in this post, but the drink looked as if it would taste as bad as one of those butt growths I saw.

So for now, I lay my search to rest. The curious kid who posed the innocent question around butt crack color a few weeks ago has already moved on to her next fascination in everyday life anyway, which entails picking her eyelashes. And unfortunately every google search on this one points to needing a therapist.

Like mother, like daughter.

The natural color of ASS

Question: "Mom, why is your butt crack pink?"

Response [jumping up, wiping off ass of pants frantically]: "What??? Do I have something on my pants and didn't know it? Did I sit in something, Syd?"

Question [kid laughing, but still curious]: "NO MOM. Why does everyone have pink on their butts? You know, inside their cracks? Why are they pinkish purple?"

silence...

Welcome to my life.

And now I'm off to google "pink butt cracks". I will share my PG-13 learnings tomorrow... because when I asked my husband this same question last night and how I might have responded to the curious blue-eyed 7 year old, his answer revolved around how porn stars actually bleach their assholes to rid of pinkish-purple coloring for video.

I think I will eliminate that from my educational discussion with my curious kid tomorrow. Thoughts?