Friday, October 31, 2008

I Q-U-I-T...again.

I Quit. Mark my words:

I Q-U-I-T thinking that my 6 year old has hit a new stage where positive reinforcement actually works and getting ready for school can include normal voice-tones and workable ponytails on the first try instead of my typical verbally abusive threats of "IF YOU DO NOT GET YOUR SNEAKERS AND SOCKS ON RIGHT NOW...................................!!!!!" followed by tears. Hers and mine.

I Q-U-I-T making my once proud of spiderweb cupcakes [too lazy to attempt a link but they're somewhere on this god damn blog] especially after baking 4 dozen batches just last night alone for school parties today where I don't even know if they will be welcomed and having black decorating gel embossed under my fingernails SOOOOOO bad that my ex-husband's girlfriend who is so kindly attending my girls' school parties with us today will think I am typical ex-wife trash.

I Q-U-I-T playing nice in the sandbox at work with a colleague who for some reason thinks the two of us are in competition versus on the same team working together towards the exact same goals and bonus potential. WTF? Can you say insecure, un-confident, no self-esteem little old man???

So Happy Halloween my blogger friends. I'm off to enjoy sitting in 2 classrooms of stinky, germy elementary school kids accompanied by my ex-husband and his girlfriend, along with lovely room parents who don't want me there. Then I will be thrilled to stand outside for 45 minutes to watch my girls parade around their school track in costume, or should I say half-costume as last night they decided that parts of their ensemble of course "bugged" them, who will ignore me as I try to yell their names to get at least one picture to record the fact that I was there and tried to be a decent, supportive mother for when they grow old and complain about me in therapy.

You bug me girls.
And I love you.
And I wouldn't miss this shit for the world.

Trick or Treat,

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Who Is This Person, and where is my daughter???

Something very strange happened this morning. And I mean, holy shit, knock me over the head, voo-doo magical trick and shit strange. And I am so scared to write about it because I believe I might jinx myself and cause this eerie happening to never ever "happen" again.

My 6 year old had a really good morning.

And when I say "good", I mean we were laughing and shit.
All the way to the school door.

I mean, she got dressed while telling jokes, she didn't scream at me to get the "bubbles" out of her hair that she brushes straight through every morning 6,846 times, even though every stroke causes her hair style to look EXACTLY the same as the previous attempt. She ate her cereal and didn't scream at her sister to "Hurry up because you're such a dork and your shirt is so ugly". Her sock seams were absolutely perfect today - even though these are the same Hello Kitty socks I wash every f_#*ing night of my life to lay out wrinkle-free for her on her pile of already picked out clothes and can never figure out what it is that sometimes causes them to fit so perfectly while on other sporadic mornings she insists I secretly inserted sandpaper or granola crumbs inside the toe section.


So what else would a shocked mother do in this situation other than???

Analyze every little thing we did last night and this morning that might have caused this glorious morning to occur...


because I'll be damned if that's not what we're doing tonight!


Exactly.

And I mean to the minute.

And I might even cook the same dinner.

And believe it or not, I think we recorded last night's iCarly on Nickelodeon, so I could even replay it on the sly without her knowing.

SSSHHHH......It will be perfect.


And I might actually not hide under my covers in the morning, dreading to get out of bed and face the time frame between my girls' alarm clocks going off and 7:59am which is one minute before 2nd bell and usually puts us running full speed to the school doors so that my precious little Type A+++ personality (inherited by my ass of an ex-husband of course) daughters do not have to get a late pass. Because god only knows, if that happens, I am doomed forever.

THE SOLUTION:

For anyone facing the same morning issues, I am going to share the secret ingredient I believe I owe this glorious morning to. It's a You-tube video. It is both kid and adult oriented (can you say High School Musical 3, John McCain and Sarah Palin) and I swear to god we watched it 6 or 7 times last night, and twice this morning. Only because my 6 old was so intrigued with it. And the deal was, if you want to watch it this morning, you need to get dressed. And I hope you get dressed, because Mommy loves this video as much as you do.

Check out the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vWQox1OXks

I'm not kidding. If McCain and Palin can miraculously turn this 6 year old daughter around for another few consecutive mornings, I may have to switch presidential signs and forgo any loyalty or personal beliefs and ultimately give this pair my vote next week.

But then again, I know the truth. And this morning was surely equal to simply putting lipstick on a pig. You just can't cover up reality. And I can not expect miracles. So darling Sydney, while I enjoyed this morning so much that I have dedicated an entire blog to it and your behavior, I am not expecting miracles baby. I love you still, and loyalties remain. And if you wake up tomorrow and can't find mommy downstairs, just check my bed. I'll most likely still be hiding under the covers.

WTF?

WTF? This is what I woke up to today.
It's just too f_#*ing early for snow, people.



Can you make out the bloody fake body sticking out from our 6 foot coffin?
No?
Oh that's right, because it's covered in f_#*ing SNOW, and it's only OCTOBER!


And how about my presidential sign,
the first I've ever felt strongly enough about to display?

That basically says it all.

About everything.

Peace out.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Don't You Hate It When... you're molested at a 5 Star Spa by a 350 LB porn-addict?

OK, Here's my attempt at winning an IPOD shuffle people with a past post (find link to original post below) that I thought was perfect for the theme:


"DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN..."


Don't you Hate it When:... you sign up for a full body massage at an exclusive spa only to watch your husband be whisked away by some beautiful foreign love goddess while 7 minutes later you are welcomed by your manly masseuse "Michael" who appears to be 5 feet 3 inches tall, 350+ pounds, with facial hair and glasses who seems way too enthusiastic about this one opportunity to be with a naked woman for 60 minutes alone in a dark room so much that he immediately exposes your entirely naked body for the entire 60 minute session while focusing on your ass cheeks 90% of the time while breathing in COPD excruciating rhythm while repeatedly rubbing his groin area past your weak muscled fingers that you can't move because of the trauma and shock and visions in your head of currently being mishandled by an overgrown computer-porn addict who most likely lives with his mom and 17 cats among cartons of weeks old chinese food cartons? I wish I was joking.



PS...not sure how "PG-13" the original post is...



http://lifeistooshortnottoshare.blogspot.com/2008/09/massage-to-rememberor-report-to-police.html

Check out this Contest! And Scary Mommy!

OK, I have made a conscious decision today [horrid weather keeping me inside with nothing else to do other than blog...blog...blog] to venture out and find new blogs to follow. I am jealous of my 8-10 readers who have lists and lists of blogs they monitor and comment on regularly, and I have known from the start that if I expect anyone to venture upon my page of "F" bombs and trivial bitch sessions I must first venture upon theirs.

So today I am on a mission to expand my horizons. I think I can do this even though I work full time, have 4 kids in addition to a needy [sensitive] yet so-deserving-of attention-kind-of-husband who would rather me fondle his package when he's home vs. waste time typing on this damn computer keyboard while ignoring the entire family as if zoned out on some hallucinogenic. Yes, I can do this in the spare 48 seconds I might be able to find each day while pretending I'm heading to take a shit since that's the only time no one will follow me, attached to my pant leg. Maybe if I put my computer in the bathroom, I could escape for longer periods of time? I could even stash my little one's "farting putty" in there, to give my faux escape some full proof sound effects in order to strengthen the believability meter... possibilities are endless when you put your mind to something.

I hope you will keep note of the new blogs I add to my "Favorites" list over the next few weeks. And in the meantime, here's a new favorite whom I absolutely fell in love with as I read her own "Proudest Parenting Moment" along her sidebar..."F" Bombs Galore. She could possibly become my new best unknown friend. And I am NOT sucking up to win her contest.

You must check her out - it's a guaranteed link to many cool reads... And for a chance at winning a tub of awsome pink goodies, all you need to do is comment! (I'm going for as many points as I can my friends)... CHECK HER OUT!

Scary Mommy: http://www.scarymommy.com/

Good luck!