Thursday, May 28, 2009

BRACE Yourself When You See THIS!

I think maybe this is the start of a mid-life crisis?
New job, new house, and hopefully in a year, NEW TEETH!
I've been a chicken to do braces,
and while I don't have major renovation needed,
I finally made the jump to fix my smile.
In the meantime, my husband's penis is "turtling in".
Those were his words, not mine.

Now I know why 12 is the preferred age to put sharp metal on teeth.
18 months and counting, honey!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

To Work or Blog... that is the question.

Today marks day 10 of my re-employment.

I haven't really brought it up directly, mostly because I think I'm so overwhelmed with new information that I don't want to face reality. But today's the day.

Back to Work. Bye-Bye daily blogging.

After a week in California in training at my new Bio Tech Headquarters, this is what I'm facing for the next 6 weeks:

I'm about to rip my eyeballs out. For those of you who read my writing, favorite topics tend to focus on the human anatomy or how my kids are such ass-holes at times, of course usually sprinkled with an occasional F-bomb here and there. So instead of writing about my husband's taint, or how my kids' asses smell like um... er... well, ASS way too much, I'm now having to submerge in what I believe to be PhD level chemistry modules on things I will most likely NEVER have to speak about with customers anyway...

I do not have science background. I'm a business major. And I am not a scientist. I'm in SALES for God's sake. So this is just pure torture.

And this morning as I should be cramming away, I choose to blog.


We all have our different learning styles. Mine involves pictures and simplistic descriptions from those around me. And here's my level of learning style:

You see, I probably can understand cell structure and differentiate between DNA and rDNA and mDNA and all that other shit. Or wait, is that mRNA?

OK, so let's just cut to the shit. I can't remember anything that isn't drawn out in simple diagrams that comes along with a slick acronym to memorize it by. Without that, I don't care about it. And DNA surely is not what makes my sales numbers.
So in my world, rDNA will be remembered as "Real dicks need ass" for the next 6 weeks, until my final exam is over. And then, rDNA will dissolve from my memory.

Real dicks DO need ass, right?

So while I have to get a 90 or above on every test through mid-July, my blogging hobby will slowly be replaced. Here's what my new writing hobby has turned into:

And I'm determined to keep blogging. It's just going to be hard to find inspiring content when all I'm reading about is genomes and chromosomes and rheumatoid arthritis injections. But I'll find something.

I will prevail.

Monday, May 18, 2009

From the Mouth of a 5 Year Old

"Hey SUE!!! This is a small? My GOD, why is small so X-TRA LARGE????"
Spoken from the mouth of a 5 year old.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Free Family Entertainment at Target

Free Family Entertainment Tip #92:
Head to your nearest Target
and assign each child a display model digital camera.
"Which ever child takes the funniest picture
gets to ride home in the front seat."

She won.
But for a picture I made her erase... Electronics employee's plumber ass showing as he was bending over at register.

Like mother, like daughter.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Flip This... The death of a fish

A six-year old returns from a classmates birthday party, running as fast as she can, while balancing a bowl of water. As I see the expression on her face, a pit begins to form in the bottom of my stomach...the smell of algae and stagnant beach water begin to surface more and more, with every step she takes towards me.

The innocent child presents with such pride, the "favor" she received when leaving the birthday party.



My brain starts spinning at this very moment - WHAT in the name of God did I ever do to this particular child's mother. Think. Hard. Wasn't I somewhat courteous those few times we entertained the obnoxious class of 1st graders together at Christmas time, and even during Easter Spring Fling when her little girl flung her black jelly bean at me just because she didn't like the taste? Did my kid hide her little one's favortie toy one day, or cause a riot about being line leader again, forcing her own child to second place?


It had to be something. Because who the F_#&K in their right God forsaken mind would hand out live flippin' fish to six year olds at a birthday party? And in a 6 inch diameter of a bowl with 6 rocks scattered at the bottom?

Oh, and a "Ziploc snack bag" filled with about 24 flakes of gold fish food?

WHO, in God's name? WHO?

This woman obviously never cared to ask me of my horrific childhood that included rotating pets - a variety of pets that seemed to come into our lives with gusts of excitement, only to be taken away by mysterious disappearances...

I had gerbils. They got loose. My Mom still claims they climb inside her basement walls. I think she poisoned them and dumped them one Monday morning during garbage pick up, as they suffocated in a plastic baggie.

We had rabbits. And ducks. They all supposedly got "too big to handle" and were transported to farms all over the area where they could live a wonderful life with greenery and waterfront scenes. I think we ate them at dinners that summer. That was the year we upgraded our barbecue grill.

We had two Irish Setters. We had several mix puppies. We had two cats... and then Daisy, the Bichon. She mysteriously inherited some type of raging kennel disease, and lay to rest somewhere. But the last time we remember seeing her she was happily chewing my moms favorite sandal one morning, just as we were shuffled out the door to catch the school bus.

And then there were fish. They were free for God's sake. They were won from numerous attempts by the four of us oldest siblings, wanting so desperately a pet that we could keep for more than a week. We filled a bathtub full of water and emptied at least 30 beautiful guppies into the tub.

My mom smiled, and left us alone to care for them. Now, I realize she knew. There was no chance for their survival as the pure tap water poured over their fins, choking them as we unexpectedly watched in glee. I'll never forget waking up that morning. It was like an atomic bomb hit Fish Land. Every single one of them were floating. And I was totally devastated.

So last month, when the 6 year old came proudly home with her new fish, I remembered my childhood, and promised even against my husband's wish, to care for this as my own dream pet. I sought professional advice and purchased a tank along with special drops to remove chlorine and chemicals from our water as well as food. I also bought stones, and a silk plant for my dear "Flipper". And as much as my husband made fun of me, Flipper and I bonded this past month.

Until yesterday.

As we arrived home late from baseball practice, I ran to feed Flipper, but to no avail he was missing. He wasn't behind the plant, and as fear filled my entire body, I peeked from underneath to look all the way up, yet no Flipper was to be found, not even floating on top of the water surface. I screamed for my oldest step-son, Spencer.
He came running, and seeing the sheer horror on my face, raced to the tank to find my dear friend. Nothing.


No where.



"Um... Sue???....."

Oh.My.God. I'm a pussy. I can't take shit like this. I just can't take this shit.

So now with the entire family filling the kitchen, my husband took charge, and after surveying the tank, asked everyone to leave. I looked at him.

It wasn't good.

Peace Out my dear friend, Flipper.
I have now joined the club of "Parental Pet Killers".
My Mom will be proud.

Friday, May 1, 2009

A Cop With A's safe to speed now, my friends

How You Know a Cop's Indisposed:

Mmmm... just lookin' at his gun and holster even this way makes me melt.
We are sick people, baby.