Monday, June 15, 2009

How to Crush Your Kid's Lemonade Stand Dreams

I love it when my husband loses his shit and I look like "Parent of the Year".  It doesn't happen often.

I'm not sure which brilliant dipshit came up with the idea to have a "Lemonade Stand Contest"... but with "Regular-down-the-street-kid-who-thinks-she-lives-here" visiting, it was 2 against 3.  Each were going to have "advertising signs".  Each were strategically planning their set-up, supplies, price per cup and total dollar goal for the sale.  This was some serious MBA economic shit-planning going down.

Damn, these kids are brilliant when they want to be. And they have never been so juiced up like this.
Never. Ever.

It wasn't long before the unraveling began.  The older kids sneak Oreo cookies, bagged chips and teddy grahams to sell. The youngest of the group throws open the garage door, flies up the steps to the kitchen with flushed cheeks screaming at his father and I:

"WE NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED SNACKS TO SELL!!!!!"

My husband wants absolutely nothing to do with it anymore. He's moved their tables 13 times, filled 2 pitchers of lemonade, removed 1 mosquito from someones cup and has slipped on a patch of ice chips.

My husband to the desperate 5 year old in attempt at keeping calm: "No, go outside. You don't need any snacks."

Desperate Child: "YES!!!!!! WE DO!!!! The older girls have snacks! We NEEEEEEEED SNACKS too!!!"

My husband [with veins in neck about to burst] to desperate 5 year old: "NO YOU DON'T. If you don't go outside, you're done."

Desperate Child who Never gives up opens pantry and starts tearing through food packages, whipping pasta boxes and other food packages out onto the floor.

And then I hear it.

This is what my husband screamed in slow-motion, to our desperate 5 year old child in the very next moment, stooping down to eye level, only 3 inches from his face:


"YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANY SNACKS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
BECAUSE NO ONE IS GOING TO
BUY YOUR LEMONADE!
NO ONE IS GOING TO COME
TO YOUR GOD DAMN SALE!
DO YOU GET IT?
NO ONE! NO ONE!"



Me Quietly Reaching for an entire sleeve of chocolate chip cookies and new family size bag of Cheetos: "Here. Go sell some snacks dude."
And the sale continued. With an entire final count of $6.85 in total earnings. Minus the $22.50 cost of snacks, cups and lemonade on my part. But hey, who's counting right? Especially when the final outcome is my husband quietly muttering under his breath as he leaves the kitchen:
"You're a way better person than I am."
No honey, it's just your turn. That's all.


13 comments:

ModernMom said...

The good news is it sounds like your kids are ready for the Apprentice!

moooooog35 said...

"...and the life of a serial killer begins..."

Dorsey said...

Greatness! When I was a kid we did a lemonade stand too. We made a killing by delivering cup after cup to the construction guys down the road working on a new house. We made $35 on lemonade alone! And we were selling it for like 50 cents a cup.

Trooper Thorn said...

No lemonade sale is complete until one parent loses it completely and one adolescent is crying.

Now you can move onto something else.

Swirl Girl said...

did he get a good deal on all that lemonade and snacks or what??

The Nice One said...

wow, what little business people you've got! ice princess has been begging to do a lemonade stand, and I just can't deal with it...toooo much!

Stacie's Madness said...

hahah, that is great!

Cant Hardly Wait said...

HAHAHA. your husband's on the rag. dude, if I was home in NY, id totally come buy snacks AND lemonade, and then I would have ate and drank everything in front of your husband.

steenky bee said...

It sounds like this operation qualifies for a government bail out. Although, the lemonade stand DID turn more of a profit than GM did last year so it might be tough...

TattooedMinivanMom said...

hahahahahaha..."NO ONE IS GOING TO COME TO YOUR GOD DAMN SALE!".....hahahahahaha

binks said...

Of course, I would have crushed the dream at the very beginning by asking, "where are you getting money to buy lemonade and cups?" Thereby, averting the whole incident. Yep, I'm one mean mother.

ModernMom said...

I miss you so I came to grab your button:)

Blasé said...

I don't drink wine, but you can pour my wife a glass or two...