Tuesday, April 21, 2009

"Mommy Confessions" and Why I Need To Go Back to Work and Toss the Computer

Have you seen or heard anything about the latest blogging rage called "Mommy Confessions"? I actually saw some of the bloggers and contributors on Oprah a few weeks ago who, thank F_*#%ing God, have finally convinced me I'm not the only mom around here that doesn't claim perfection.

And I'm sure as hell not about to link you up to it either, because my confessions are as good as theirs. And anyway, I've been admitting my faults for some time now, unlike others.

Got it?

So then it hit me... I think my entire blog is one F_%#ed Up Confession in general. I mean seriously, all day I've been asking myself, what the hell compels me to write about my husband's smelly taint?

But I've also never claimed to be a writer, especially one of substance. So what better else to do than steal the theme for my own personal blog content? Right?

A few personal confessions this week:

1. One of the hot dogs I was preparing for the kids dinner this weekend rolled across our entire kitchen floor, but because we had so many neighborhood brats over to eat, my husband gave me the look of approval and I swiftly lunged and grabbed that dog of dogs while quickly blowing lint off before serving.

2. I chose to serve the linty dog to my own child because I feared that in the small chance it rolled over an invisible pile of killer bacteria, I should have at least ensured it was my own kid that got sick. Right?

3. I'm embarrassed writing this because I think some of the people in my personal life now who read this will never trust in eating at my home again. But in all honesty, an "invisible pile of killer bacteria" could easily exist on our kitchen floor.

4. My daughters had their first experimentation with googling "bad" words. And let's just say that the conversation involved thorough explanation of why a woman shouldn't allow anyone else to straddle, lick or touch their own body parts because such behavior is not "respecting your own body".

5. My girls then decided to mimic certain contorted positions they seemed to have witnessed online while asking me what "respecting your own body" means.

6. I decided to give them a fudgsicle if we could just change the subject. And to be honest, I'm wondering if they learned those contorted positions online or if they actually just woke up late one night and we simply didn't hear them.

7. This story actually happened last year, but I'm confessing it today because my 6 year old typed "sex" in the search bar at my Moms office last week while she had them for a few hours. This obviously brought back memories.

8. Main reminder is the fact that I have still not loaded software to block inappropriate searches and sites, even though I swore I would last year after thinking my kids were traumatized forever.

9. My kids aren't traumatized. These little shits are just exposed to way more than we ever were growing up.

10. Through all this, I've learned the best way to stay on top of things is actively play truth or dare on the front porch with the my 2 daughters & the neighborgood girls when asked, probing about kissing boys, going out, and who's cute in the world of elementary school. Makeyla, I'm calling your Mom.

Peace Out.


Caution Flag said...

We haven't installed any safeguards for our computer either. I'm pretty conservative, but sometimes I do wonder just how traumatized my kids would be to "discover" certain sites. I suspect not very. When my daughter saw the maturation movie in 5th grade, I thought I should talk to her about it. She told me she knew "everything" and had since her friend told her in 3rd grade. Made my job easier!

Liza said...

This is too funny, but only because it's you and not me I'm sure :) I have a feeling with an 8 year old who thinks she's 18 and who already thinks boys are "hot" I will be there very soon though!

Blonde Goddess said...

Been there, done that.
Be grateful you don't have to explain to someone else's mother what happened and why their daughter is behaving like a Lolita.

You crack me up!

Swirl Girl said...

My 9 year old still thinks sex is the box you check off to claim gender on a questionnaire. Thank god.

How'd the interview go?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Once, whilst in the middle of giving my wife a jolly rogering, we felt the bed shake in a manner that wasn't of our doing. I looked up to see my son sitting on the edge of the bed, curling into a little ball and tucking himself in to sleep. He had stolen into our room all ninja-like, and we didn't realize it until we was on the bed.

"good night, daddy," he said and pulled the covers up as if he was going to remain there for a while.

I looked down at my wife in horror, and she hissed "take him back to his room and tuck him in!"

since she spoke first, I had to return him to his proper place of sleep.

There. You're not the only one who has had unwanted visitors.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I've never even heard of this phenomenon??? weird...

And GROSS about the Hot Dog Susan...lol!

I like the way you write...you always make me laugh!

Rachel said...

I may or may not have told my children that really, unless there was something stuck to the food that just fell on the floor that it is perfectly okay to still eat it.

Anonymous said...

Oh! Yes, immediately safeguard your 'puter.

My 8yr step-son was tasked with making-up an entire sentence, and then google it to see if the same sentence appears someplace else.


His sentence was: "My pen is black".

But, he has issues with spacing and he typed "penis" in the search.

Um. Just imagine our horror.

The Girl Next Door said...

We installed safeguards and they couldn't even get to PBS. Maybe things have improved in 8 years?

The rest of your list? Hilarious. i know it's probably not supposed to be, but next time just wash the HD off in hot water and no harm no foul. Trust me...

wendy said...

#6, definetly laughed at #6

Kimberly Zook said...

Susan, this post makes me want to be a fly on the wall in your house! I don't think I'll ever stop laughing. You are a fantastic writer and I love how you describe your experiences with your children!

I recently found a website from another blogging mom that helps parents with children getting into the internet. It's a web browser just for children called Kidzui. Maybe yours might like it?

binks said...

Those other Mommy Confessors are BORING!
YOU are funny and bold and interesting.
You never fail to make me laugh. Besides, those other "perfect" mommies are just liars.