Grossest Thing My Husband Has Ever Said... Warning: Taint Involved

I think I've mentioned before how my husband takes pride in his manscaping abilities - and actually I believe it was the topic of his first guest post a month or so back. Remember, the quick mention of "manscaping" and "pubes" that brought Blogger Stalker Ronald10021 out of the word works, and caused me to go into hiding for some time? But anyway, back to my man's pride around caring for his Netherland Region - it's rather quite rewarding, and something I have grown to appreciate.

Especially after yesterday.

Once a week, after hitting the gym together to train for a lethal hour of hell, we'll hit a tanning bed for 20 minutes of silence. We could hardly give a shit about getting a tan. But the additional 20 minutes of peace is totally worth the extra $10 in babysitting fees.

Yesterday, I think I heard the nastiest thing my husband's ever said to me as we were finished and walking out to our car:

Husband [Very Serious Tone] : "Damn, I turned the fan on, laid down and almost puked because the smell of my sweaty-ass Taint blew straight up to my face and in my mouth."



Silence.



BURST OUT UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER...

Baby, let's make a pit stop:

Seriously Baby, aside from your old high school "stink finger" stories, I think this takes the cake.

'Taint kiddin'.

How I Almost Poisoned Our Neighborhood

Mommy Tip #119:

When your child is admitted to the hospital for signs of "Moderate Poisoning" or "Early Symptoms of Acute Poisoning" which may include:

nausea, diarrhea, excessive saliva, stomach cramps, excessive perspiration, trembling, no muscle coordination, muscle twitches, extreme weakness, mental confusion, blurred vision, difficulty in breathing, cough, rapid pulse, flushed or yellow skin, and weeping...

NEVER ADMIT you were really TOO LAZY

to actually wash the damn sweatshirt.

Honey, Can you pull out the HOSE, please?

I'M OUTTA HERE!

Spring Break Activities at Home with 4 Kids as of Day 8 out of 12 ........ $229.

Hosting Sleepover with 2 Additional Neighborhood Brats ....... $45.

Receiving a phone call to interview for a job and having to leave town alone for 2 days in the midst of Spring Break Bullshit .......

PRICELESS.

Naked People in Gym Locker Rooms. WHY?

Dear Naked Lady At My Gym,


I have simply one question for you.


WHY?


I mean, WHY, IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU STAND THERE F'n NAKED FOREVER, NOT DOING ANYTHING IN THE GYM LOCKER ROOM???? WHY???



I really can't take it anymore.



And the fact that you were STILL there staring at yourself in the bathroom mirrors when I exited the stall to wash my hands and had to BRUSH UP AGAINST YOUR GOD FOR SAKEN NAKED ASS to throw my paper towel away in the garbage can, is just.simply.beyond.me.


F'n.Beyond.Me.


Are you married to the Close-Talker man that hangs naked in the Men's room swinging his sac in front of my husband every so (too) often? Because if that's your husband, you might want to warn him that he's close to being neutered.


Graciously and Always Partly Covered,

Who's Anus?

My 9 year old has proudly posted her recent science project on display.

My husband promised her he'd be adding to it while she's gone to spend Easter weekend with her Dad.

Check it out:

OK, take a closer look...

Tip for Step-Parents:

Do not alter step-child's solar system project to include a real anus.