Guest Post from My Husband Today on the Benefits of "Manscaping"

Yep, "Mark".

Sorry to all of Susan's loyal readers. My beautiful wife Susan's always funny daily thought is being interrupted today by my own guest post.

You can blame Susan and Tattooed Minivan Mom for this.

So go check out other Guest Posts over at

Tattooed Minivan Moms Guest/Spouse Post Link-Up.

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THE IMPORTANCE OF MANSCAPING

While urinating in a public restroom this past weekend, I was reminded of one of the reasons why all men need to keep their lower region neatly trimmed [aka: "manscaping"].

After following the proper men's public restroom protocol,
(Rule #1: Always leave at least one empty urinal between you and the next closest urinator), I found an empty urinal and an imaginary spot on the wall, just above it (which is Rule #2).

Ladies, the "imaginary spot" is where we men look while urinating, never looking left or right out of fear of being caught checking out another guys' junk. (Yes, we are that insecure and are often secretly comparing ourselves.)

I then looked down in the the urinal to take careful aim, and there it was ...

Yep, that's a stray you see in there.

A Jumper.

And it's not mine.

I wasn't able to switch urinals (once again, see Rule #1 above), so I aimed and hosed that F'n thing down the drain to spare the next guy in line, and to make sure he didn't think "it" was left there by me.

I finished up and left disgusted, but proud knowing that I did not leave behind any strays.So Gentlemen please, keep it trimmed down there. Public restroom users will appreciate it.

Also Guys, always keep in mind... the other benefit of "manscaping":

"If you cut the grass short, the tree looks taller."

Part II: "How NOT Working Can Kill You"!

[Click HERE for my original "How NOT working Can Kill You" post.]

Creating home-made dinners 7 nights a week ... $224

Gas for daily grocery store trips for forgotten menu items ... $37

Slicing 1/2 a Big Toe off with sharp-edged baking sheet ..."F"ing Priceless

Shit, My Kid is Just Like Me

It's been a rough week here at the "Splendid Blended's". We've had all four kids for the past 8 days, and this chick is ready for her ADULT WEEKEND starting T-O-D-A-Y.

As usual, we had our weekly run in my husband's ex-wife, just like clock work. And I've been venting at night to my husband after all the kids are put to bed, in order to try and understand why this woman is so fucking crazy. Obviously, we'll just never figure that one out.

So during one of my nightly tirades I seem now to remember exclaiming something along the lines of how I could seriously "rip her eyes out". Oh, what joy that would bring.

I thought the kids were sleeping at the time I said this.




Obviously little Sydney wasn't.




Here's how I know:

This is my step-son's valentine's project he gave me which has been adorning our refrigerator for the past month. Do you see the pipe cleaner legs hanging?

Well, it used to have eye balls too. However, last night little Cooper obviously pissed off my youngest Sydney, and decided to "rip its eyes off" because Cooper made her made.

That's what she said, with the biggest, proudest smile this morning.

Shit.

Like Mother, Like Daughter.

Can I please just take a SHIT in private?

Well, it was bound to happen at some point. And yesterday was the day.

I threw it out there. Big-Time. Right Pitch. Excellent Tone. 100% Fierce Attitude.

Yep, I dropped the "F-Bomb" for the first time to our entire gang of kids. And I feel like an ass.

And then there's my husband who continues to remind me as he laughs out loud that it wasn't just me "throwing out an F-bomb" that was so entertaining and hysterical, but it was the entire scene of watching me storm out of the bathroom at 70mph, screaming:

"I CAN'T EVEN TAKE A FUCKING 1 MINUTE SHIT WITHOUT ALL OF YOU GUYS FIGHTING AND CRYING OVER SOMETHING????"

Reaction was silence. And then giggles from behind me [adoring husband] and giggles in front of me [adoring four children whom I did not love so much yesterday morning] .

So, after fifteen minutes of calming down from everyone making fun of me, I apologized to each of our kids individually for my language.... and my sudden outburst. And they looked at me with no concern in the world before moving on in their day, with only the littlest one of a whopping 5 years whispering quietly yet sternly:

"Sue, you need to take a time out. Five minutes. Seriously."

Fuck. I just remembered the house rules we posted months ago, which include ALL family members... not just the kids. A-D-U-L-T-S too. That was my quote. [What the hell was I thinking to make such a big deal of equality in all the rule presentation bullshit back then? WTF???]

But then it hit me. Time out? As in alone time? By myself with no nagging children crying or bothering me for snacks or juice boxes or refereeing Wii turns or setting 15 minutes segments for each of them on the computer? Are you serious???!!!

I am now planning my next attack. And this time, for a full fledged grounding. All evening. Alone. In my room.

It will be hard to hold back from now on.

I can't wait.

Hair on your W-H-A-T???

"Mom, I just want you to know that

I have H-A-I-R on my V-A-G-I-N-A."

Those are the words that were thrown at me approximately 45 minutes ago, in the bathroom during bedtime routine. My 9 year-old totally blindsided me.

And hey, I'm the mom that actually is trying to explain that "vulva" is really the appropriate term we should use instead of "vagina".

But sometimes you just aren't prepared.

So while I'm sure the nightly easel drawings will look something like this over the next few weeks:

I'm prepared to have a fuller discussion with my little one tomorrow.
And this is what it's going to be about:

My husband agrees that this "says it all". [Thanks baby for the advice.]

And by the way, I love having a vagina.

Hair and all.