Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Can I please just take a SHIT in private?

Well, it was bound to happen at some point. And yesterday was the day.

I threw it out there. Big-Time. Right Pitch. Excellent Tone. 100% Fierce Attitude.

Yep, I dropped the "F-Bomb" for the first time to our entire gang of kids. And I feel like an ass.

And then there's my husband who continues to remind me as he laughs out loud that it wasn't just me "throwing out an F-bomb" that was so entertaining and hysterical, but it was the entire scene of watching me storm out of the bathroom at 70mph, screaming:

"I CAN'T EVEN TAKE A FUCKING 1 MINUTE SHIT WITHOUT ALL OF YOU GUYS FIGHTING AND CRYING OVER SOMETHING????"

Reaction was silence. And then giggles from behind me [adoring husband] and giggles in front of me [adoring four children whom I did not love so much yesterday morning] .


So, after fifteen minutes of calming down from everyone making fun of me, I apologized to each of our kids individually for my language.... and my sudden outburst. And they looked at me with no concern in the world before moving on in their day, with only the littlest one of a whopping 5 years whispering quietly yet sternly:

"Sue, you need to take a time out. Five minutes. Seriously."

Fuck. I just remembered the house rules we posted months ago, which include ALL family members... not just the kids. A-D-U-L-T-S too. That was my quote. [What the hell was I thinking to make such a big deal of equality in all the rule presentation bullshit back then? WTF???]

But then it hit me. Time out? As in alone time? By myself with no nagging children crying or bothering me for snacks or juice boxes or refereeing Wii turns or setting 15 minutes segments for each of them on the computer? Are you serious???!!!

I am now planning my next attack. And this time, for a full fledged grounding. All evening. Alone. In my room.

It will be hard to hold back from now on.

I can't wait.



14 comments:

moooooog35 said...

You can take a shit in 1 minute?!

Where's the fun in that?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

LOL!!! I like that idea...I would LOVE to be grounded also to my room. I would sit and read all day!

Thanks for the idea!

And husbands seriously have KNOW idea!

Ms. Florida Transplant said...

I think you need to write a Mom's survival guide of sorts. You can't keep this to yourself.

Cookie Crums said...

I have to admit I'll use the excuse of having to take a shit to get some quiet time. I'll take a book and be gone for 20 minutes; the hubby is like, "Seriously! Take enough time?"

LOL, do what you gotta do sometime!!

Or the other side... home alone and my little one comes in crying. I'm sitting on the toilet holding my child, then here comes the dog b/c heaven forbid he be left out too. :)

Swirl Girl said...

I'd be planning the f-bombs and the ensuing time-outs.

can I hear a 'muthu-fucka' out there people??

TattooedMinivanMom said...

It's because they have a "mom's taking a shit" magnet as in tune as their "mom's on the phone so let's go ask her 10-fucking-thousand questions" magnet.

I'm doing a spouse guest post linky if Mr. Giggles wants to participate...

Dani said...

Sue...Todd reads your blog all the time and says how you should be an author!! Maybe that is your calling!

Thanks for all the laughs, especially when I need them the most!!

Have a great week!

Stacie said...

yes, i say all the time, WHERE IS MY MOMMY TIME OUT...and I should get one minute per my age...ah 34 never sounded so good.

Scandalous Housewife said...

Shit, I give myself a time out all the effin time. Now, my teen spawn give it to me. They just don't know I keep a bottle of booze under my bed.

Cant Hardly Wait said...

You only take 1 minute shits? Mine are like... 8 minutes. You're probably in the pooping olympics, though.

Cowguy said...

You can flog a log in 1 minute? My God... I can read half a magazine.


1 minute?


Great post.


1 minute????

Riff Dog said...

Ooo, I like this! Maybe use "mother-fucking" instead of "fucking!" That should do the trick!

Katie said...

Is the rule still "one minute for every year of age?" because I could use a half hour to myself.

ModernMom said...

Too true ....too true, there is no place to hide :)