Wednesday, February 25, 2009

How does Obama's speech get me thinking about shower curtains and baby oil?

So after a full day of cleaning kid puke and watching hours and hours and hours and hours, oh - sorry - and hours of Nickelodeon cartoons I finally got the kids to sleep and realized a stranger of a man sitting on the exact couch I had secretly planned to curl up on in order to temporarily die.

Holy shit, I forgot I actually have a husband. These days, I am past the point of sanity and have entered a world of chaos infested with puke bacteria that just won't die. I would totally suck as a full-time stay at home mom. God bless all of you that do this on a regular basis. I had a 30 minute conversation with my mom asking her how in God's name could people not only stay home, but institute home schooling as well. Are they insane? Are they serious? Or am I literally just a ruthless selfish bitch of a mother craving coital activity with my manly husband more than once a week?
[Did you like that world coital? I LOVE that word. It reminds me of how my mom might refer to "sex" if she could ever talk out loud about such a subject.]
So, I'm trying to get back to the point of this dreadful post [please people, my kid is home sick yet again today and I just yelled at her that if she's sick but not puking chunks than she's well enough to sit on the damn couch alone because Mommy has a lot of important shit to do like attempting lame blog posts and googling tips on how not to insult lame ass interviewers as I obviously did last week]...
As I snuggled into that hot thing of a man on the infamous "death" couch I was talking about, we prepared ourselves to watch Obama. This is how in sync we are, which is scary. At about 9:28, about 10-15 minutes into Obama's actual speech, Mark's spoken words were literally the exact thoughts going through my mind:
"That fucking line underneath the word "TO" keeps disappearing every so often. It's driving me CRAZY."


Holy shit. I couldn't even say anything, because I swear I was thinking the EXACT same thing.

Never mind this recession that has cut our household income by like 6+ digits, and never mind Obama's plan to create new jobs, implement tax cuts or improve education in this country for our kids... the monitor's caption of the President's speech was all we could pay attention to. For those of you who were probably listening to what Obama was actually saying, here's what I'm referring to:

The light cuts into it a bit, but the word "to" had an underline, which after careful monitoring and timing by counting "One Mississippi, two Mississippi..." [a minimum of 3-4 times to ensure accuracy], would disappear every 10 seconds. Suddenly it would flash back on the screen and cause the two of us to initiate the counting once again. A simple validation that the two of us are total lame asses. Especially because we thought it was funnier than shit.

So that's where my ability to self entertain is these days. I feel trapped in a house where all I can do is continue to spray Lysol in the hopes that I dare not pick up this bug to ruin the upcoming weekend where all kids retreat to their other parents homes. 48+ hours of total peace. Whoo Hoo baby. Remember that shower curtain and baby oil?

That's all I'm sayin'.


Cant Hardly Wait said...

You know what?! I thought American Idol was on last night and I was kind of pissed and all "OH come on Barack, don't you like American Idol? Why'd you have to pick tonight? Why couldn't you have done this last night?"

Then I remember Ryan Seacrest specifically saying Wednesday night.


Stacie said...


ok, it was PROBABLY doing to KEEP you from paying attention. :)

Katie said...

LOL, I must have watched on a different channel. I DVR'd it and it cut off in the middle of the speech, nice.
I hope the kids feel better soon, or at least save some puke for their other parent's homes. :)

Momma Ritz said...

Totally there with you last night! And with your other reader... I was totally pissed American Idol wasn't on ... should be starting here in a few minutes though.

Enjoy that shower curtain and oil! ;)

binks said...

You are kidding right? Because that blinking was certainly NOT funny. It was a subliminal call to the lemmings to be on alert for the mothership.
Jesus is coming and the end of the world is near.
Didn't you get the memo?
Hoping your kid has saved enough of the puke for the AP. Enough to give 'em a taste of actual parenting.

Pearl said...

Here is how lame I am: when I read your post title, I thought shower curtains and baby oil were things you were thinking of spending your Obama stimulus money on at Target. Yowzaaa, I like your idea better though!

Hope the kids get better soon. I had the puke last week... not fun!