Dear Mother of K.P. in my daughter's 1st Grade Class,
I obviously know you have emotional issues as you refuse to call me back after leaving a message around us working better together on future parties. I realize for many it is difficult to have an adult conversation. Some parents are incapable of this and choose to ignore and retreat to their own little world, and obviously you fall into this class. Therefore, I will send you this letter, hoping that somehow it reaches you, so we can nip this in the bud once and for fucking all.
My thoughts [aside from wanting to kill you] :
1. Usually when one parent tells another not-so-excited-but-felt-guilty-because-absolutely-no-one-else-volunteered room parent that she wants "NOTHING TO DO WITH CALLING OTHER PARENTS BUT IS HAPPY TO SEND IN PARTY ITEMS" means exactly just that. And usually, when a teacher calls that not-so-excited room parent at the beginning of the year to thank her for volunteering while emphasizing that K.P.'s mom doesn't wish to be "in charge" of organizing events but is willing to help send items in, once again, to normal people it simply means just that.
2. I should have known something was not right when I called you the first time asking if you had any ideas on how you would prefer we work together on these parties and all you could answer was "I REFUSE TO EVER SEND CHEESE AND CRACKERS IN BECAUSE I DID THAT LAST YEAR AND ALL THE KIDS HATED IT." [For future reference, probably not worth allowing a bunch of smelly, germ-infested 6 year olds get the best of you, k?]
3. You did not want to be communicated to by e-mail with the rest of us, so I have attempted to call you prior to each and every party. Why the fuck is it that you make up your own party rules and send in pretty much 100% of list items to the teacher a month ahead of time without calling the other three moms to simply communicate this?
5. Did you know that being a room parent usually means "helping" a teacher's life become just a tad bit easier? Reducing work load? Minimizing responsibility so she can concentrate on more important things? Cooperating and coordinating among other parents? Do you know what synergistic effects are? Do you know that room parents who attend parties but stand directly next to only their child the entire time without making contact with anyone else are fucking also called "dead-beat room parents"? Why don't you help pour some fucking juice, or help with hand sanitizer or actually pretend to care by listening and chatting with the regular 7 or 8 kids who gravitate to any adults pant legs each and every party craving even the slightest amount of attention because they obviously don't get it at home?
4. Do you realize that we could literally give a rats ass if you'd like to be Supermom Room Parent this year as we actually work and have more important things to do like shop and blog about how people like you bug the fucking shit out of us? Believe it or not, we could care less about baking homemade cookies, buying lame ass items for goodie bags which will just be thrown out later, and aren't really into undermining other class moms who simply just want to help make a teacher's life a tad bit easier. Knock your fucking socks off bitch, but god forbid, just tell us so we're not wasting our precious time e-mailing, coordinating and purchasing shit that's no longer needed because you have made the decision to do everything on your own through "notes" only to the teacher.
6. I have ruled out physical handicap on your part. I actually thought you might be deaf. Especially after you hung up on me after calling you about the Christmas party simply to let you know that since the teacher e-mailed me to say you had already sent in 6 of the needed items, the other 3 of us would be taking care of what was left. Why did that piss you off? Seriously? Why couldn't you just say "Great, no problem. Thanks Sue."
7. Your false act of naivety around room parenting experience was blown when you got into that argument with the cafeteria worker at Thanksgiving Feast over your harvest themed confetti you so much wanted to sprinkle all over the table "since the kids absolutely loved it last year". Seriously, do you really think the kids would give a rats ass if there was "harvest" themed confetti on the fucking table when the main conversation that day was around which kid got to help scoop the runny mashed potatoes to their classmates? And the way that cafeteria worker looked at you and stood her ground only goes to show that you did NOT stay to sweep after last year's feast and instead left their school cafeteria floor to be infested with confetti for months to follow.
So now that I feel just a little better, I am not looking forward to helping with my own kid's party this Friday because you can not be an adult and deal with this issue. I am sorry to say that I have had it up to here with getting e-mails from the teacher telling me what K.P.'s mom sent in, and how K.P.'s mom wants to bake the same cookies I so responsibly and proudly already ordered from Sam's Club, and how K.P.'s mom is wondering this or is wondering fucking that. Are you kidding me? Grow up bitch. Get a fucking job so that you can concentrate on something else other than annoying the shit out of your poor little kids' teachers. Or simply take charge for the rest of the year, and leave me out of it, or tell me what to send in. But do not play these games with me. You will fucking regret it. B'YOTCH.