Friday, December 19, 2008

Charity: Crappy Gifts for the ill

I lied. As exhaustion was just beginning to set in, I made the mistake of clicking on The iNDefatigable mjenks for a quick visit, who absolutely kills me at times... and through my bloodshot eyes I thought I saw my name in the middle of his post.


So here it goes. The iNDefatigable mjenks over at "A Crown of Thistles" is passing along a challenge to participate in holiday charity work. [I'm going to do the best I can in explaining this, as I usually have to read his posts several times to gain full understanding as he uses a much higher level than my common vocabulary of "fuck" and "ass"... but please remember I excelled in math and always lacked in verbal skills] .

The challenge stems from the originator of it all, the supposed Internet Sensation Dr. Zibbs over at The Blue Yak... and basically it's based upon the lovely thought of charity giving. And how nice it would be to give charity gifts to sick people over the holidays... with the hopes that some fucking rich guy could just find our list of electronically-generated ideas of generosity and actually go buy them to distribute appropriately. But then, Dr. Zibbs decides that sick people really didn't need nice gifts because they'd probably just cough on them or something, so here was born the challenge of the Crappiest Charity Gift Ever.
So here are the very easy rules. Those of us so honored to be chosen must pick a crapolicious gift for the ill and post it, then simply pick five other bloggers who you believe would go along with the crappy gift giving task to sick charity groups, ensuring links to the the one who selects you and the original creator, aka, Dr. Zibbs.
Here are my picks:

So here it goes. And because I've actually been dealing with the most violent stomach bug I've ever witnessed in my 38 years through the body of my 8 year old daughter, my immediate instinct is to give things for those effected by such a mother fucking condition.

After experiencing my first suppository deposit into my little girls ass last night, I thought for those extremely ill, and those without astute butt clenching abilities, a case of Enemeez would suffice. There is nothing like the feeling that your abdomen contents are impacted all the way to the top of your esophagus while suffering from the inability to take that miraculous shit of a lifetime that you so desperately crave.

I mean, come on. With a case of mini enemas... how could I NOT include a pair of disposable panties for those unexpected droppings??? Or drippings???

And this just starts to go along with the whole bottom back body section that I thought was very interesting... it's anal bleach creme - which you can apply at night for longer acting treatments. My thoughts are ... wait... I just can't even type my thoughts. Or my questions. I'm actually quite scared about this product. Especially after my husband just told me about the use of this product in the porn industry. So I'm going to offer it anyway since it falls into my "ass" theme, with highest recommendations going out to all those sick porn stars working hard over the holidays to keep smiles on many of our, [oops, I mean other peoples'] faces.

And finally, for those men that may be suffering from a bad cold, it's the almighty "Male Package Enhancer". In the chance you have to overdose on cough medicine, here's an extra boost of confidence if you're on a date or just trying to build some pride. This hint comes from personal experience, as in our house we have learned that cough medicine is NOT compatible with BIG BOY SIZE. It actually has temporary detrimental effects. Sorry honey, but it's not like we haven't shared this with our close friends, right?

[Disclaimer: On my husband's behalf, I would like to ensure readers know that cough medicine does not literally shrink his penis. However, temporary functionality is an issue. And as such, he will always choose to cough his lungs out before medically treating any type of upper respiratory issue again.]


Marco Crupi said...

Hello I really like your blog, I would like a link exchange with you, I insert your blog to my favorite blogs ;)

the address of my blog is:

binks said...

Well, Susan, you have succeeded in cracking me up again. Although, it seems that every one else is out Christmas shopping and hasn't been by to experience the hilarity.

Or maybe, they are just too chicken to comment.

Or maybe you are too busy dealing with puke that you haven't "moderated" your comments in the last 18 hours. (what is up with that?)

I wonder what that bleaching creme would do to hemorrhoids.

I will have to remind the hubby that there will be no cough medicine at any time.

I am claiming to be non-taggable for the next 2 weeks due to procrastination from the last 4 tags, Christmas shopping and the need to actually do work on my house.

Gotta go scour the house for Robotussin.

Swirl Girl said...

As I have just finished reading your challenge - and wiping my eyes from the burning of my retinas - I really have to think about this one....I dont' know if I am up for this challenge - unless there is a craptastic gift for me in it somewhere!

SouthernBelle said...

Haha! Thanks for visiting me, Susan! I think yours is way better than mine. I just lazily picked something I already wanted to vent about!

OK, dreadful pun time: With Enemeez like these, who needs friends?

Seriously, that should be their tagline.

PS - You are the best mum in the world for doing that for your little girl. I would be like, "Here sweetie, just look at the diagram & you'll figure it out."

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Sweet God Above! I'm never taking cold medicine again! I can't afford to!

On the other side, ha, what a fabulously awesome set of gifts that you have thought up and brought together. Would that I was the rich entrepreneur so that I could provide these gifts to those most sick and most in need.

Dr Zibbs said...

Well done. And was reading you blog this morning on my blackberry while lying in bed. Funny stuff.

Scary Mommy said...

Oh, my God. You started my day out with a laugh, so thank you!

And you are just so thoughtful to include those panties. That image is lovely, LOL!!

Not sure I'm up for this either, ut I'll try to think of something-- I think you've set us all up for failure!!!

Anonymous said...

Too funny!!

marie6 said...

Best crappiest gifts ever!, shame I've already done my christmas shopping!!!!

And your new blog is ace!!! By the way I might start pouring cough medicine into hubby's morning cuppa, hee hee !!!

Ms. Florida Transplant said...

Those are great. I'm amazed at how many of everyone's crappy gifts my grandpa would love. Maybe next year...

Katie said...

Wow, your kindness never ceases to amaze me. Some lucky sick person will get a whole set of Enemeez and disposable underwear to crap into? Damn
I think I'm entering the scene a little late to do this post since Christmas is over, but thanks for tagging me just the same.
In other news, I think I could use one of those mini-enemas after a week of eating nothing but cookies and ziti.