Monday, March 16, 2009

"Bloating Stomach" & "Constipation": The drawbacks of being a woman

Why is it that women usually get the short end of the stick when it comes to digestive systems. I mean come on people, I'm talking "shit habits" here.

I.Can't.Poop.
My husband eats like he plays pro-football and is continuously training for the Superbowl. And whatever he chooses to put in his body usually exits via sphincter canal within 7 minutes after meal completion.
Seven measly minutes, people.
Yet in the past 72 hours, I have consumed an easily estimated 4 bottles of wine, late night sushi, Mexican food and margaritas [I mean, come on - who the hell doesn't shit after MEXICAN??!!], chicken salad, calamari salad, water, water and more water, more wine and then an amazingly protein filled breakfast plus three mimosas at Sunday brunch.
And the only thing that has exited this body within the past 72 hours is an ever so growing wind tunnel of gas that seems to be building and brewing like no one in their right mind could or should be able to imagine.
Never mind the veggie lasagna last night.
So, my question is: Why in God's name do so many of us women get blessed with malfunctioning GI systems, while the men who would rather pack on a few pounds of bulk lose weight just from the amount of stairs they have to travel in a day to get to a fucking toilet before exploding 6 pounds of internal material each trip?
Life is not fair.
However, girl's weekend was totally worth the bloat.


11 comments:

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Have you seen Zack and Miri Make a Porno? They have a constipation cure in there.

Dorsey said...

AND kinda sad, because it is SO true! ugh!!

moooooog35 said...

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU..LA LA LA...GIRLS DON'T POO...LA LA LA LA.

libby said...

breakin' it down for us all on this lovely, cheery Monday I see. Must have been a big weekend! Glad it was all worth it!

And you are so right - we are robbed when it comes to metabolism. So unfair.

Stacie said...

girl, get yourself some fiber one bars i GUARANTEE you won't EVER be constipated again.

not kiddin.

Scary Mommy said...

When I was pregnant, I went THREE WEEKS without taking a shit. I kid you not. It was the most miserable thing EVER.

Swirl Girl said...

First of all, let me say - I feel your pain.

Second - get Activia ...the poop yogurt. It works.

- and the reason you can't poop is 'cuz your husband, while he 'let' you go on your girl's weekend, has a dial up to the intestinal gods direct. It's his passive aggressive way of keeping you from going away.

{snark, snark}

Dani said...

I hear ya Sue...same thing in this household!! Gotta love it...

Hey, are you guys going to the benefit on Friday night??

binks said...

@ Moog & Swirl Girl - ROFL

All I can think about it that SNL Jamie Lynn Curtis/Activa skit.
"I just pooped my pants."
watch it here

But I swear by Dr Schultz's Intestinal Formula #1 which I think you can buy at the health food store.
You must read about it but beware and don't stray into the colon cleanse dept.
Quite disturbing - THAT area.
Damn, you got two links outta me, you are way too high maintenance. ;)

Katie said...

Thank the Lord I'm not alone.

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