I'm playing, but I'm playing MY way, K?

So I found this new blogger called Stacie's Madness, and I finally gave in to the run of the mill "meme" (what the fuck is a meme anyway? Something all about ME ME???] where you're assigned a letter in the alphabet and then you have to list 10 things you love that begin with guess what? Uh, yeah... the fucking assigned letter, people.

And.............. you think I'm gonna mention plain ol' shit, right?

This one's for Stacie.

Letter J. As in "Jackass".

1. Judas Priest's song - "You Got Another Thing Coming"... I never knew he was fully "gay" until my husband confirmed it. And I'm not sure why my husband confirmed this to me years ago, but he did. Gay or not, I love that fucking song. Do you remember his fist glove with spikes? Mmmmmm.....

2. Jizz. Ew. Just Joking.

3. Jackass Ex-Husbands. The EX is the main part of that.

4. Japanese women. Because my EX was obsessed with them and thankfully that's what allowed me to get rid of him. And yes she was about this young:





5. Jaculated. Because it sounds like "ejaculated" and makes me laugh every time I hear it. [Ok, so I don't hear it that often, but it makes me think of a homie talking about how "he jaculated".]

6. Jeans. I love me some sweet pair of tight, flared, dark, denim jeans. With really cool pointy cockroach killer heels.


7. Jessica Simpson. Ok, so I think she's a dingbat, but I think her body is smoking hot even today. Fuck all you media people that impose your "size 0 is the only size allowed in Hollywood" views.

8. Jellybeans. I'm a sugar candy addict. Jelly beans, sweet tarts, sour patch kids overrule chocolate in my house any day.

9. Jumping your wife in the middle of a Saturday afternoon with no kids. [Oops, did I just type that? Mark? You reading me baby?]

10. Jugs. I mean come on. I wore my first bra in like 2nd grade. My husband uses adjectives like "Melonous", "Mountainous", and "Holyshitenormous" so I've had no choice but to come to appreciate a good set of female jugs.

WHOA. Sorry.

This was seriously the kindest "jug" photo from my google search that I could share.

Totally not NICE jugs. And TOTALLY, TOTALLY NOT MINE!

"Meme" complete.

WARNING: Santa and Wine Do NOT Mix

Well, if you've followed me long enough, you know that while I love to laugh with [AT] other people sometimes, I only allow myself to do this if I make fun of myself [or my absolutely insane family] just the same.

Unfortunately, this has become a little too easy for me these days. But for those of you who think I'm an awful human being to post about my husband's hobby of photographing a gross cushion that's been hanging over the front porch of his ex-wife's house for over 5 months now [we are entering 3rd season here people], I feel guilty enough about it to share the following pictures with you for personal retribution.

I know Christmas is over, but while cleaning out my home office bench which of course opens up for accessible storage [CLUTTER] , I found the letter my oldest daughter left for Santa on the fireplace mantle just this past Christmas Eve. As a warning, I would like to describe it to you in one simple word:

Ghetto.

Here it is:

OK, several points I would like to make:

1. Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. My house is painted in dark reds, rustic oranges, and deep forest greens because I love the feel of my home decorated from the time Halloween approaches, through Fall and then into and beyond Christmas.

2. The poor writer of the above note was so rushed to bed that night that she grabbed a pharmaceutical pad to write her beloved Santa letter asking if this was the year she would be receiving the dog she's wanted since she was 7 days old.

3. I take the time to customize photo collage customized Christmas cards by the end of October each year, yet I can not provide my daughter a white piece of paper or better yet a piece of holiday stationery for her personal Dear Santa letter?

4. Santa's response is just out right shabby. Better yet, it's nothing other than GHETTO. Take a better look:

Santa somehow thought it was amusing [or was running late and drank just a little too much wine that night...okay, WAY TOO MUCH WINE that night] to have any empathy for the little girl sleeping upstairs hoping and praying for a puppy that would never be. And all he could do was circle "NO" and write "Work harder at home."



I'm going to have to open a can of whoop ass if I ever meet Santa face to face. How dare he.



PS...I'll be keeping these forever.

Now head on over to Candid Carrie's to check out, or better yet join in, on Foto Friday!

And all I got was a lousy chicken sandwich...right?

So shoot me for posting a little "positive" yesterday.

And all that inspired me was a fucking Crispy Chicken Sandwich. One of the rare treats this mommy gets to experience if lucky, maybe once a month. So shoot me, okay?

Because let me tell you, it's not worth getting excited about the little things for too long . They only come back to bite you in the royal [growing faster by the day now that I'm not working anymore] ASS.

And without even going into a raging lecture about yet another god damn snow day today [I mean come on, my one free month of paid leave before leaving work and already having to face in just the last four weeks not only Martin Luther King Day, but 2 full snow days plus 2 morning school delays]? There is no justice.

Just ask this asshole who agrees justice does not exist.

Damn, that hair is ugly, isn't it?

In less than 24 hours I have found myself facing major challenges. First, my adoring soon-to-be 9 year old decided it's actually quite amusing to throw out the "F" bomb at her mom. For the second time ever. The first time was just 3 days ago. So at 7:48am I opened up a can of whoop ass. And that's all I'm sayin'.

The even more torturing challenge I have been presented with is the lovely friend my 6 year old decided to bring home two days ago. Her name is "Pink Eye". She is unwelcome and overbearing and has caused my already somewhat OCD child to regress into you-couldn't-believe-it-if-you-sat-here-and-watched eye drop administration "routines", which are 2 drops in each eye FOUR times a day for ONE FULL WEEK.

Here's my kids routine: Lay on a certain pillow, hold two tissues, one in each hand, pat each eye several times prior, deep breathe, count to twenty, close eyes slowly and say you're ready but as soon as the eye dropper is sensed coming near the corner of the eye jump straight up and yell loudly that you actually AREN'T ready and that you need to stretch first, and then lay back down and repeat entire ritual again before actual administration. Then repeat for second eye.

You mean to tell me Pharma companies can't do any better than that? Please. Save the god damn pens and pads and put some of that money into making our lives just a tad bit easier. Like we have nothing better to do???

So this is what our entire household looks like today:

And below is the book I'll be purchasing tomorrow, because of course I am TOTALLY a really "GOOD" parent. Right????

Hello????

You Know It's Gonna Be A Good Day When...

As a Mom, I've learned to appreciate the little things. And sadly to say, the following little things make this Mommy's day 10-fold:

1. Looking at my kids school menu in the morning [even though I've promised myself I would do this every night before putting the kids to bed] and realizing Crispy Chicken Sandwich is the main entree. YES! Two buyers. No packing lunches last minute. I LOVE ME SOME CRISPY CHICKEN SANDWICHES.

2. Knowing that I actually took the time to linger through my girls' dirty hamper to find the one god damn pair of underwear my soon to be 9-year-old will wear with no bother, and the one holeless pair of Hello Kitty socks my 6 year old will wear without crying that the seams bother her, and then taking the time to wash them the night before and most importantly remembering to put them in the dryer before going to bed. This equates to a seriously "golden" morning.

3. Waking up realizing that before I went to bed I forgot to fill the coffee pot for auto brew, only to walk downstairs and discover that hubby made a whole pot of coffee for me before he left for work. And better yet, opening the frig to find a brand new container of sugar-free french vanilla creamer. Nope, not one with 3 drops left. A new, full bottle.


It's days like this my man can ask for whatever he wants... even white trash sex.

Marriage Tip #187

Him: "Honey, let's go upstairs and have dirty white trash sex."

Her: "Um...gross... you showered and I didn't. Not fair."

Him: "No, I DIDN'T shower. I just washed my hair quick. I couldn't take it."

Her: "Oh. OK. [walking upstairs] So, what does 'white trash sex' entail anyway?"

Him: "You know............ Sex............ Without showering."


Men are so fucking creative.


And a few months of unemployment with this type of daily activity may have us ending up looking something like this:

[I'm not sure who that second female could be, but hey, what the hell, right?]

My Husband, the Artiste

Have you ever become fixated on something - a particular house or business, a fixture, a tree, even a graffiti sign on a passing bridge - in the midst of your routine driving pattern, day in and day out? You know, something that you maybe glance at or inspect, or simply verify it's daily existence even subconsciously, for no ungodly reason what so ever?

For example, every single day my kids wait anxiously as I take our first "left" down our street so they can be the first in our car to witness the black punch bug automobile usually sitting in the driveway 8 houses away, allowing them to then brutally punch the shit out of their neighboring sibling and scream at the top of their lungs "BLACK PUNCH BUGGY, NO PUNCHES BACK!"

My personal favorite, is a green highway exit sign between here and the Delaware Water Gap, which in big letters advertises the little town of "Scotrun", PA. If you ask anyone who is familiar with the drive from here to New York City, they will most likely be able to testify that they too have passed the town of SCROTUM during their travels. It's some type of eye/mind game, but no matter what, rest assured, that during any drive that takes me that way I must confirm that "scrotum" still exists in Pennsylvania. And today I learned that us locals are not the only ones to think this way as there are multiple google results around the spelling misconception, including the below Urban Dictionary definition of Scotrun, PA:

Scotrun
Tiny town in the Poconos of Pennsylvania, mostly known for looking like 'Scrotum' as people fly by the exit sign on route 80 west.
Scotrun, PA 18355 Recently placed on the world map by Great Wolf Lodge, the worlds largest log cabin resort/hotel/indoor water park.

And now you're wondering, what the hell was the purpose behind today's post? Well, in a few titled pictures my husband has been collecting over the past 5 months, I will now share with you HIS travel object of obsession:

A porch cushion.

Draped over a front porch.

That's been sitting in the same spot for over 5 months now.

The porch of the house of his HACK HACK COUGH COUGH ex-wife HACK COUGH.

This is a collection of phone picture messages I have received since fall:

"Leaves on a cushion." First in a series of prints.

My second print in a series called "Four Seasons". This is called "Snowy Cushion."

Special Offering: One time only: Bonus Print from my "Seasons" series... This one is titled "Cold Dirty Porch"

And now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to make sure all my summer flower pots are properly put away until spring.

Family Night - Lovin' It

Aside from my 9 year old throwing the "F" bomb at me for the first time ever, the other night was a perfect example of what I absolutely love about my family.

At least once a week, we all get together at someones house to eat good food, drink great wine and just "hang out" [aka 'play guitar hero' if at my house] . And while we were missing a good number of us this week, these are the nights that are priceless to me:

Upstairs, attempting to build a new dresser while dinner is still cooking...

My brother and some of the kids playing "Mr. Crowley"...

[Have I mentioned how Guitar Hero can actually make nerdy kids cool???]

My brother's little Alexandra sleeping downstairs during the Ozzy concert...

Now head on over to Candid Carrie's for Foto Friday and link up!

Oh NO You Didn't!

This morning during one of the typical "sisterly arguments" I endure among my girls on school mornings, usually during the last ten minutes of my "GET YOUR ASSES IN THE CAR NOW" speech, my 9 year old "accidentally" bumped my 6 year old out of the mirror while trying to rearrange her ponytail before school for the 27th time.

And as usual, the 6 year old pushed back.


And then IT happened.


The inevitable pinch.


I am not sure how or when this "pinching stage" actually started, but my soon-to-be-9-year-old has emerged as the "World's Best Sister Pincher", to the point of drawing blood, and causing way too many shed tears in this household.

So in the midst of sternly being told that Nintendo DS, Wii and computer privileges would be taken away now for 2 days, my daughter basically looked at me while standing on our TV room couch and did this:

OK, in all honesty, it was much worse. That kid looked at me and screamed from the top of her straight A, pefectionistic, yet still can be a bitch if I want to 60 pound frame:

"I didn't FUCKING pinch her!"

silence......

more silence.....

[thought to self] Oh NO YOU DIDN'T!

For the record, and as hard as it may seem to believe, I do not use my blogging language at home in front of my children. Actually, I believe the first time I even threw an accidental "F" bomb out in front of my own mother was at the age of 33 or so, while I was going through the nastiest times of my divorce.

And in that very same moment, I couldn't apologize quick enough. What utter disrespect to speak in front of a parent like that. And to speak TO that parent directly with such language? I remember hearing my dad say "F_#*" for the first time ever when I was in my late 20's. I was shocked. I never heard it again. I still remember it vividly.

I.am.pissed.off.royally.to.no.end.

So, this morning we are in the midst of developing the worse case of whoop ass grounding one has ever heard of. "Punishment" is too kind of a word. I have removed many items from her future room of "grounding". All electronic games and equipment are now gone. And we are creating a written assignment for her which if not completed and done with sincerity will only continue her weekend of torture into next week. Possibly next year.

And then I googled "creative ways to punish a child".

Any thoughts on whether you think this would work with a soon to be 9 year old?

I'm thinking this is brilliant.
With the addition of 5 dart guns for the rest of us.
Goodbye Wii.
Hello pure family entertainment.

My Dearest Samantha,

Don't mess with me girl.
You are in deep shit.

Seriously.

Nothing's sacred anymore...not even blonde beaver

So today was the day my husband and I decided to evaluate all our monthly bills, trying to see where we could cut a little spending so our budget's all tightened up over the next few months.

We looked at cell phones, made plans to cut the cleaners, and next on the list was analyzing our brutal monthly cable/digital phone/roadrunner bill with Time Warner Cable.

Here's the itemized page I normally fax in to my company for Internet reimbursement. I dialed the local Time Warner office, and an eagerly awaiting male representative named "Jay" took my call...

As my eyes scrolled down the bill, taking each line in one-by-one to see where I could stir up some possible savings, I suddenly stopped here:

"No Customer Service Representative Jay, we were NOT watching that new documentary on the mysterious African Blond Beaver five days before Christmas, you know, that very religious holiday where most people are in the midst of celebrating the significance of the birth of Jesus? And I am totally content with my bill and service and just wanted to call to let you know how well you do your job. Thank you very much for all you do."

Click.

God damn computerized billing.

Readers beware: the next time you have no children at home and have the opportunity to fondle your partner while educating yourselves on 24/7 Blond Beaver, DO NOT think this will be done in private. Nothing is sacred any more.

[And by the way, the whole notion of a true "Blond" beaver is still to be determined.]

Yes Girls... A woman must have balls too.

This weekend brought an unavoidable teaching lesson to my kids. In the desperate moments of realizing I had no other choice but to act in front of my girls, I simply later called it "The Importance of Standing Up For Yourself".

Or if I kept it plain and simple, I could have simply named it:
"Bitching out an obviously uneducated ass of a stranger who leaves a threatening message about how I was in need of removing personal belongings from my own vehicle as they would be picking up the car for auction disposal."

Oh girls.... Mommy is PISSED right the F_#*K OFF! Please babies, cover those ears.

And on Martin Luther King Day no less, a company holiday, while I'm with my two kids in the middle of my favorite grocery store Wegmans, aisle checkout #15...

This is what I felt like doing:

But then I realized it was not the most appropriate place and time for a total breakdown.

So instead, I chose this mode:

I packed my groceries, pushed the overloaded cart alone out to our van, packed the trunk, packed the girls, emerged into the front seat and then slowly turned to my two "obnoxious at the moment" children and spoke these words ever so s-l-o-w-l-y:

"Girls: Mommy is extremely mad at this very moment. I need to make a phone call, and you are going to hear me yell at someone on the phone. And I may not be speaking very nicely but this is very important so the one thing I need from you is to sit absolutely still right now with nothing but SILENCE. Do you understand? "

Chirp.

Chirp.

[That's my girls...]

And then began my phone call. Poor Maria. Maria the maintenance worker with my fleet company. But this will teach her to read account notes before threatening innocent people right?

Dear Fleet Company and My Own Company's Fleet Executives,

I think you may have mistaken me for someone else. I am not:

If you are in search of those type of employees that lie and steal, treat their spouses to dinner out regularly and fund their personal Christmas parties on their corporate American Express card, guess what? They are still under your care, employed, paid and happy as fucking clams. I'm just that innocent one who's worked her ass off for almost 13 years for you in several different positions, traveling all over this country away from my kids and husband so I could perform for you and get excellent ratings. You know, the one that finished #1 in the country last year? Yes, that's me - the one you threatened with a self-opt sheet because if I DIDN'T sign it you could have forced me to take a position double the travel without any rights to a 13-year severance package.

Fuck You.

Sincerely,

And the Hits Just Keep On Coming.

Dear great spirit up above

who is supposed to watch over those that lead decent lives

and attempt to better themselves and those around them:

I realize my recent job loss can be seen as "opportunity".

I'm grasping that with both hands.

I will seize the moment

[after i take some well deserved time off].

But now my sister/best friend is moving states away?

Again?

Just promise me you are watching over her

and this will be the best decision her and her family have ever made.

Just make sure they are happy.

Can you hear me crying???????

I will miss you my dear sister.

So tell your hubby you need a couple of extra bedrooms

because I am unemployed and

I refuse to go longer than a couple of months without seeing you.

And him.

And those 2 cute little booger kids of yours.

K?

Kisses & Hugs...xoxo...

A Gift From Me To You. Introducing Mental Poo.

I have something special to share.

I couldn't even WAIT until tomorrow,

so for those looking at FOTO FRIDAY pics,

I soooooo apologize and mine is just below this post... K?

Today, I found the male version of the blogger I aspire to be. I have never laughed my ass off harder, and I am absolutely sure there are a handful of you that will become instant followers. And many of you might think I'm insane, but this is what I call "perfect humor" and have literally laughed out loud for the past half an hour reading his stuff... Katie - you are going to love this shit.

[Warning: Content may be explicit. You will also see many dressed up photos of "the male member" on here... not real ones, I promise, but still quite realistic, and all in good taste. Well, as good as they can possibly taste, I guess.]

Ladies and Gentlemen: May I introduce you to: Mental Poo .

[Did you click him yet? No? OK, keep reading I guess, but then promise me you will go back and click him.]

And after you've read his personal saga with experiencing erectile dysfunction, click on his link early in that same post that reads "then for this one". It's the link right next to the picture showcasing various degrees of limp male members. And then sit back and laugh your ass off. I absolutely give anyone permission to make fun of others when they can make that much fun of themselves.

Mental Poo, I believe I have seen Pure Genius today. Now this is what we ladies call "Keepin' It Real". Hats off to your wife as well for providing such wealthy content to inspire such writing.

Foto Friday and the girls who helped me through this week

Well, it's Friday Foto Finish over at Candid Carrie's Place and I'm still a pile of mush today - all these messed up emotions going on - and to top this week's job lay off, my god damn period is due. Now please. Is there really a God up there somewhere? I realize they say he will dish us only what we can handle, but I believe he has me totally mixed up with some "Martha-Stewart-have-it-all-together-and-can-rebound-perfectly-from-anything" type of mom. Ummm... nope. Not me. I would be the "other" mom down here. Can someone with connections PLEASE pass that message on? I don't have much of a reputation up there, so any help would be greatly appreciated.

Candid Carrie asks us to post a favorite photo to share and link back to her. And in my regular sense of "normalcy" I am usually the only one NOT posting a perfect family picture or seasonal scene... but today is different. While the majority of my Thursday was pretty much filled with rage [still fighting HR battles and severance package mishaps], it was around 5pm when my girls so unexpectedly melted my heart.

Girls Night Out and look how they surprised me:

Now as if both of them in actual DRESSES and TIGHTS adorning pretty sweet [not to mention unmatching, but when so super cool looking, who gives a crap] rain boots wasn't enough, the biggest joy was that as of January 2009 I can finally say that last year's Easter dresses were actually worth the purchase. I don't even believe I could convince them to remove tags way back in late March, and look at them now. A successful holiday purchase. Never Say Never.

Those two beings in addition to my husband who will finally be home tomorrow night are the three specific reasons I opted for my package. I could have stayed employed with a bigger territory, which totally equals less family time, more driving time and overnights every month. No way. Go to hell company of 13 years. Find some other puppet who will allow you to pull their strings. I've got way too much more important stuff going on here at home.

Today, life is good.

I Might Not Have a Job, but I've got amazing friends, and some blogger awards!

So here's to getting back on track, and what better way to make a "laid off " girl feel a little more up in spirits but a couple of "blog" awards!! I want to reach out and thank my dear friend Binks for bestowing these upon me. You have renewed my broken spirit and have helped to put me back on the path to "foul-mouthed talkin" and "keepin' it real". I'll be back in full throttle very soon.

So first, I have been given something called "The Spreader of Love" award. [So much better than being labeled the "Spreader of Herpes", or just a plain ol' "Spreader", right?] And the purpose behind this award was started for those who stick by you "even when we're just not up to blogging par".

And that's the kind of week it's been for me, so I'd like to pass this on to the handful of people that have continued to comment this week even though I've slipped a little in my own responsibility of commenting back:

Swirl Girl

theiNDefatigablemjenks

Jennifer

So please accept this proudly, and thanks for all your support these past few days. And again, to my friends from my real world who don't blog or even know this site exists... those who have reached out, commented, called, visited, e-mailed, bought me alcohol or free meals... thank you too. Seriously, I couldn't be more touched by each and every one of you. [Especially the alcohol part.]

And now for the second award...

The "rules" are:

• List six things that make you happy.


• Pass the award on to 5 other bloggers.


• Link back to the person who gave you the award.


• Link to the people you are passing it on to, and leave them a comment to let them know.

And while I said I'm not tagging anymore, I'm going to still offer this award to 4 new blogger friends I seriously can't stop clicking on. Don't feel obligated to follow the rules, [I mean, who the fuck follows anything anymore, right?], but please accept this from a new admirer and know that you have seriously helped me get through the past few days with offering humor, off the wall cuss words and or emotional tear jerking posts...

Vodka Mom - OK, OK, so I'm totally NOT a NEW admirer, but she's one of my favorite bloggers to read. She can make you laugh your ass off, and then cry your eyes out. Thanks for sharing your amazing speech to graduating teachers. As a mom, this was absolutely beautiful.

Jennifer - She is one of the funniest bloggers I've seen to date. Her life stories are so real, and then so hysterical. And I can sleep tonight finally learning she actually did NOT drink her own urine. Thank God. And I think our families somehow might be related.

Georgette - Even though this young one reminds me a little too often that I'm old enough to be her mother, there is something special about her honest writing that continuously leaves me wanting more. I am totally routing for you Georgette, and it probably has a lot to do with the fact that you remind me of myself many years ago. You are an extremely strong person. And I love that your foul-mouthed writing makes my nasty language look like church writing. Absolutely love it.

Tattooed Minivan Mom - I had found her when I first started blogging, then lost her and holy shit found her again and immediately copied her to my "Favorite Blog List"! How can you not love someone who describes her husband as the one with "Do Me Eyes", admits to battery operated toys and loves bubble wrap. PLUS, she's giving us an opportunity next week to invite our special someone to guest post on our own blogs! Make sure you check her out!

And once again, I don't expect you to do the whole "List 6 things that make you Happy" part of this, but for my friend Binks, here ya go:

1. Gerber Daisies.

2. The spontaneous times while cuddling with my girls at night before bed when they look at me so deeply and just smile long and hard as if they are transferring all the possible love in the world to only you.

3. My little ones big hole in her mouth right now from so many missing front teeth.

4. The fact that my husband will be returning home from some FBI school in Alabama late Friday night so I can just get naked in bed with him and he can hold me.

5. My family and friends. And especially how unbelievable they are when you need them the most.

6. Lying poolside or on a beach chaise with an ice cold pina colada in my hand. I mean come on, who the hell wouldn't be happy with that?

XO

Just One Question...

Does stuffing marshmallows down your mouth by the fistful 30 minutes before dinner, after you've just been to the gym for an hour and a half, on the same day your kids have been home all day due to a snow day, and the day after you've just lost your job of 13 years count as "Emotional Eating"?


Just sayin'.

A little piece of Vegas... and the piece of ass X 1000 we saw daily

OK... now to a quick Vegas update.
And one word can pretty much sum it up:

DAMN.

Here's a few questions that we are still pondering from our unbelievable 5 day trip to Sin City:

• Where do these people come from?
• When did New Year's [or any other event that requires dress-up] now turn into a "slut" theme for women and girls?
• Why do people at concerts [actually entire audience members minus two idiots who obviously need better Kid Rock concert mannerism lessons who stood out like sore thumbs] have to stand, sign peace with their hands and jolt their waving arms and body parts as if going into full fledged seizures for 2 hours straight?
• Why do people have to puke in the middle of hotel lobbies and just stand there staring at it with the inability to excuse themselves to a bathroom?
• How do people who look and smell like dirty crack addicts sit at $10 tables yet bet $100's of dollars at a time conning decent, moral people to do one fuckin' Goldschlogger shot to the point of intimidation causing permanent throat burnage?
• When in God's name did my 36D sized boobs which I loathe at times become a staple of "tiny", "unseen", "pancake sized" compared to the actual "NORM" in any one place or city?
• Why on earth is there always one person at a card table that literally can not stand to have a moment of silence during the 3 hours of black jack 4 other people are trying to enjoy? I mean, seriously why do these people thrive on hearing their jack-ass mouths run dry for days straight??? With nothing but crap and narrative bullshit to say?

And then there would be the Kid Rock concert. Sweet. However, as I hinted to above, if you took an aerial shot of the Casino Theatre you would absolutely be able to immediately pick my husband and I from the 2,000 member crowd. Let's just say I was the only one with maybe half of my body skin covered, wearing a bra under my dress [vs. JUST WEARING A FUCKING BRA OUTRIGHT] and not flailing around like a fucking bird seizing after just bashing into a large bay window full speed ahead. And while of course we did not possess any pot or other illegal substances, we did try to sniff hard while drinking beer after beer and taking pictures of the fans, whom were so entertaining I can't even get into it. For the respect of Kid Rock, I will stop there. Except for a couple of pics.


So this is just a sample of the skin showing at the show. And while she actually looked quite cute and I'm sure her and her date "got something on" later that night, it was the peeking of the SPANX staring at me and my husband that had our undivided attention which then required camera footage. If I actually had Photo Shop you would see a cartoony arrow pointing you to this kind woman's upper thigh area...can you see it NOW???

And here is my man, Kid Rock. I totally don't even know many of the lyrics to his songs, except for some of the chorus lines, but hell, after seeing the fans at this place, I think it's a safer place to be.

Believe Me.


And with that, that's all I'm sayin'.

A Quick Letter To My Girls... I love you Peanuts

Note: NO...this is NOT a guest posting today.

It's me, and yes, I'm back from Vegas, with no mention of it today,

and not one swear word.

But this one's for my girls.

Happy New Year Everyone.

Dear Samantha & Sydney,

I can not explain the feelings that I have this evening, since being away from you both for 9 days straight. I know you were with your Daddy, and I should find some comfort in that, as you don't get to spend that much time with him due to his schedule and location. Of course that is why I never say "no" to him for any extra time he's willing to spend with you. You totally deserve a daddy that is there so much more. But that's not why I'm writing today.

I need to put down somewhere how absolutely beautiful and precious you are to me. In this very moment. Right now. I can still feel your happiness to be back home, and I can still feel your smiles and your pure love you are so generous with on days like today, when you're transitioning from a visit so much longer than a typical "every other weekend". And I know just how much you absolutely love and adore your Daddy, and that is why I will do whatever is in my power to help aid that special relationship. I always promise this to you.

It's a new year, and while I was looking forward to some down time tonight with all the elements I'm facing right now - Mark out of town on an FBI bomb field for a week, facing the ill fate with work tomorrow when the decision of whether I have a job or not comes as I was told to sit by my phone for the day, being obsessed with the content of my 100th post [which is this actual post I type right now], memories of an unbelievable trip to Las Vegas that are infested with anger at your dad for whisking you off to Disney this same week, without any prior notice, knowing I hoped to take you there in February or April - and with even all of this, the only thing I can think of at this very moment is how wonderful and special and unbelievably lucky my life is because I have the both of you. It's so simple.

So to you both, I hope this year allows me with all going on in our lives to continue to be the mother you deserve. I hope I can always guide you appropriately, provide for you as we have, teach you and laugh with you... and I hope I can continue to make you laugh as well. As I say to you over and over, it's hard being a good mommy, but that is my job. I'm not here to be your friend, but to teach you and raise you to be a kind person and treat others well. That's it basically. And I'm so thankful for days like this, which make it so obvious to me that being your mommy is the best and most honored privilege I could ever have.

So with that, I want to say thank you for the girls that you both are. So different, yet so similar, and so, so, so beautiful.

All my love,

Mommy