Monday, September 8, 2008

Clean Asses Please - too much to ask?

I am reaching out to the 3+ readers I think I might now have ... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE can you tell me the magic formula for motivating your kids to keep a clean ass these days?

What the hell does it take to simply take a bath or shower???

I'm not asking for one every night - every other night would be miraculous in our home. I'd also like to negotiate that if the weather is cool AND you didn't have gym class Tuesday or Wednesday, I may even be able to be swayed and let you go for TWO days without one, but day THREE is a must. I mean COME FUCKING ON!!!

I have 2 Rules that call for INSTANT ASS CLEANSING:

1. If I can walk into your room while you're getting dressed or sleeping and clearly smell PLAIN OLD ASS, it is simply time to take a shower.

2. If your crotch is itching for a period of seconds...let's just say long enough for me to notice with the hopes that you are about to quit digging, but have to bring your attention to the need for you to pull your hand out of your fucking pants before you laugh and say, "Oh, sorry, I had an itch.", it is simply time to take a shower.

This week's motivational experiment worked on my 6 year old daughter: A new super-sized loofah created suds so bubbly she laughed from start to finish. My 8 year old was not so entertained.

In a past post, I talked about how one of my two new school rules this year is TAKING BETTER CARE OF OUR BODIES (IE, eating healthier, being active, brushing teeth, keeping a clean ass).

Dear Readers,

My children's asses are pretty clean most of the time. This is not because they want clean asses. This is because there is a certain point I insist on them washing their bodies for the sake of humanity and self care. Please do not think I am a terrible mother.

Sincerely,

Mother with a Very Clean Ass
PS... If you have any motivators, PLEASE pass on. I promise to report any positive outcomes.

In the mean time, I will be at Target stocking up on baby wipes.

Perfect alternative for Short-Term Freshness.

7 comments:

Katie said...

I have no fucking clue. If you get any tips from your other two readers will you let me know? I'll share it with my other reader. :)
Seriously who knew kids could smell so bad?

Katie said...

Yeah, sometimes I wait all week for that shit pebble.

Ms. Florida Transplant said...

I have no advice from you on this front since I am only responsible for my own ass. I bet this is a pretty common problem though!

Crazy Momma said...

Okay, my boys are still at the point where I can throw one in the tub and threaten the other with his life...

I agree, if you can smell it - it should be cleaned. If it is itchy - it must be cleaned.

Thanks for stopping by my blog and welcome to SITS! Stick around, have some fun!!

Karen said...

This is a constant battle in our house with my 8yo. I feel ya.

libby - reader 4 said...

yeah. I don't know what it is,. some freaking control issue or something. everything has to be on "their terms!" Forget it! I had to put a TV in the bathroom just to get mine to stop pooping in his pants though. So either I am a genius (which has been up for debate for quite some time now) or a pushover. I pick genius.

Michelle said...

One word- Bribery!
BTW, loved the story about your brohter in the Suburban. Classic! Thanks for commenting over at 'Mommy Confession'.