Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I QUIT THIS JOB!!!

This morning, I quit.

Here are the top 10 things I quit starting today. This VERY moment.

1. I QUIT trying to cover you with your favorite blanket on the couch only to be scolded at that it wasn't "tucked" appropriately under your fucking two little feet tight enough. Next time, you can take a pillow right to your face.

2. I QUIT staying up after I've put all four of you little pieces of crap to bed, only to pack lunches, check homework, throw in a load of laundry, sign 2 permission slips, throw that now wet load of laundry into the dryer, pick up ice pop wrappers left on the couch or carpet, find one of your only 2 favorite pairs of underwear and socks for the next morning... all while trying to bond with my dearest husband for quality time and sexual entertainment. It's just not meshing my four little ones.

3. I QUIT trying to speak in a rational but normal tone of voice even when you have reached the pinnacle of lost tempers, to help mediate your frustrations on Mr. Miller for the math assignments you forgot to do last night while I was so luxuriously enjoying curriculum night for 2.5 hours at your un-air conditioned elementary school filled with PTA style parents who seemed to gleam from cheek to cheek like it was an absolute honor and thrill to be there.

4. I QUIT tyring to negotiate with you to get dressed on school mornings so that the other three kids who decided they'd like to watch TV for a bit while eating their cereal can actually put the TV on... and I especially QUIT holding a blanket up as a shielded wall so that you can get dressed on the couch at your leisure instead of walking 8 fucking footsteps to the bathroom to do so in privacy without screaming someone is watching you get naked.

5. I QUIT being the only person in the household to put new rolls of toilet paper on the holder. I also hope that tomorrow you all find yourselves taking one of those massive shits that require 27 wipes before you can call it safe to even stand up fully.

6. I QUIT doing laundry. Except mine and Mark's of course. I could care less what you smell like. Remember, you usually smell like "ass" anyway?

7. I QUIT negotiating turns on everything in this whole entire world you come into contact with. Turns rotating seats in the car. Turns to unlock and close the power door on the minivan. Turns to hold the remote control. Turns to sit at certain seats on the couch. Turns for who mommy lays with first. Turns for who gets to be a bitch for mommy each morning. Turns for who locks your youngest step-brother in the basement. Turns, Turns, Turns. You can all kiss my ass. It is MY TURN today.

8. I QUIT lying to all of you about how great your other parents are. They actually suck. We'll leave it at that. I'm done playing nice.

9. I QUIT being the "nice mom on the block" ...the one who every one wants to come to when others are being mean, when you want to know what a "lesbian" is, when you slide down mud hills and realize if you go home to your own mom with your new sneakers so dirty you'll be grounded for weeks, where you think our freezer is equal to the local community ice cream bar shop... I'm a mean Mom bitch from now my dear little neighborhood girlies.

10. I QUIT actually trying to plan and organize formal dinners and meals only to have each of you four little ass wipes taunt me about the daily selection and start negotiating 4 different options because you'd rather play outside for an extra 90 minutes during the time it would take me to cook those 4 different options. I'm on to you my children. Your future selections will now include Cheerios (they are multi-grain so I am not abusing you) or canned soup. And it is NOT your turn to have the Dora soup vs. the Jimmy Neutron soup. I am buying generic shaped noodles. Done.


My dear manipulative four little beings: You will all be headed to your other parents' house this coming weekend. I am counting the days with such vigor and anticipation, just as you would be if you were leaving on a trip to Disney World. Mark and I are going to reconnect, drink, eat foods you would be repulsed by and not feel guilty about it once this weekend.

We will also attend the Football game Friday night to watch you girls cheer, we will drive 30 minutes Saturday morning to attend another one of your football games and then Sunday afternoon see you at the soccer game.


And we'll miss you the whole entire time.


2 comments:

Katie said...

Oh my God! I'm having one of those days where I am sitting here cramming Polly-O cheese sticks and chocolate down my face, and this post is PERFECT! LMAO I feel your pain, especially the 'turns', and I only have two (I didn't forget Ella, but she's too little. ie, it's always her turn). The last paragraph is hilarious! ;)

libby said...

I SO needed this post today. I want to suffocate people with pillows - namely family members of the senior generation in my family. So if you need any pillow holding, I'm your girlie!!!!

HI-larious!