Saturday, September 20, 2008


I debated to publish this post because my dominant personality that desperately seeks for all people to like me stepped in. What would readers think of someone who talked about others to such a degree? Would they think I was so shallow and egotistical to speak of specific individuals in such an unfriendly and disrespectful way?

But then, the few people who read this know me well, and hopefully know I would never judge or make personal fun of people without actually doing the same to myself and my loving family.

So today, I have a confession. My husband and I have a practice of creating private nicknames for some of the people in our lives (and also for strangers in order to entertain ourselves while out in public). It has helped us in our pursuit of self-therapy and conversation. For example, it has allowed us to discuss his ex-wife and her lovely new fiance at soccer games and school functions without anyone knowing who we might be taunting, or I mean, speaking of. And while I know we are not supposed to judge people nor their actions ... the majority of it is all in fun. I mean that sincerely.

Today, I will share with you a sample of our most common secret nick names:

#1. My husband's Ex-Wife: "BM"

Now, I am sure some of you may be thinking that we might actually be referring to the more commonly known BM acronym of "Bowel Movement", which we probably could debate its practicality in this context. However, it has just become a more natural way for us to refer to her when others are around. Our definition of "BM" simply equates to "Bitch Mama".

Here's just a few examples of usage:

  • "Did you see the latest e-mail from BM?"
  • "How many questions did BM ask at the boy's school open house last night?"
  • "What a surprise, BM hasn't called the boys in 6 days during their visit with us this week... yet she'll fight us tooth and nail when we ask for a few hours extra with them on a weekend to celebrate your Mom's birthday???"

I would like to state for the record that this nickname is the contact entry name that pops up on Mark's phone when his ex-wife may call or text him at any given time.

I would also like to state for the record that this is a HUGE improvement from what USED to be her contact entry name on his phone when I first met him years ago.

#2. My husband's ex-wife's fiance: "BR"

"BR" was created a few months ago after listening to a Dr. Oz radio show. It was one of the first times Mark had ever become so intrigued with a radio talk show that he actually turned the volume up during one of our weekend trips in the car. The topic? A Man's Penis. We listened in awe, learned a lot of valuable information, and most importantly, knew from that very moment we would be referring to his ex's new fiance as "BR".

"BR" actually stands for "Big Ratio".

You see, amazingly enough, our bodies are fascinating. And in men who have larger waists (you know, those apple body types where more weight is carried in the midsection vs. upper or lower extremities), they actually have issues with different types of hormone production and stimulation. In men with bigger midsections, there is actually a hormonal chain of mechanisms that are triggered to cause a high amount of estrogen production in that abdominal fatty area, which in turn will effect a man's fertility and sexual a negative way.

Wow. Mark and I said that if only THIS type of information was published and advertised in "Men's Health" magazine, there would be a revolution in men's exercise and weight loss. Right??

And with that, let's just say new fiance has a rather larger than average abdominal ratio, tis our newest nickname, "BR".

#3. My own personal nickname: "Fiddy".

I would also like to point out that I am just as willing to place such vicious nicknames on my own loving family and self, and with that I would like to share with you my nickname which descended from the past 6 month struggle with my own weight. (I would also like to say in defense of new fiance above, while I am not an "apple", I am the most luscious, over-ripe PEAR shaped woman probably noted on this planet Earth.) The days of 120 pounds are long gone...and I have joked to my husband that because my recent scale reading had me weighing in WAY TOO CLOSE to the 150 pound marker, I have declared my new name to be "Fiddy". We will of course give this in honor of well known hip-hop artist 50 Cents, correctly pronounced of course "Fiddy Cent".

#4. My youngest daughters nickname: "Corky"

For whatever reason, we can't remember the name of the family TV series from years back which had the theme song "Life Goes On"... it was an all American family that included one sibling by the name of Corky who had Downs Syndrome. Now please, by NO means am I being condescending or insulting to anyone with this issue, however last year, when my youngest daughter's latest OCD tendency involved having to wear a full size snorkel mask to even enter a pool, "Corky" was born. I was thinking about posting a picture for you to observe, however she would never forgive me in her adult life.

#5. My husband's youngest son: "Jack"

Simply said, this would yes, stand for "Jack Ass". No elaboration needed.

With today's confessions, I am actually pondering the need to attend church to ask for his forgiveness.

Dear Lord,

Please forgive Mark and I for making such horrible fun of other human beings. We do not believe we are any better than others. We actually do this for mere entertainment, with also the possible need to make ourselves who are so far from "perfect" feel a little bit more normal.

We teach our children right from wrong, and would never accept demeaning others to their face, or in front of other people in a disrespectful manner. Please do not send us to hell.


I am hoping that every reader helps me in forgiveness and allows me to see that we are not the only human beings who resort to such horrid self entertainment. I am ready to hold a reader's nickname contest, so please please please send your top one or two in through a comment.

And in the meantime, may the PEARS of this world rule the earth.


Katie said...

OMG, that is fucking hilarious! I can't decide which is the funniest. BR & corky are so evil, lol. I love it :)

By the way, you've been nominated

The Long and the Short of it said...

We nicknamed a guy I was set up with "Fruit Loop"....check out the posts, I think it applies....


**The Long and The Short of It**

libby said...

I, too, am know to send out a few nicknames every now and then.

Take for instance:

MC - also known as "man child". A man who is dating a friend of mine who decides he must play games in order to maintain an "upper hand." Idiot.

Lumpy - the chunky, lucious newborn child of a friend of mine. The child is small in stature, but like a bag of bricks when you pick him up.

Little Napoleon (LN) or Little Leo (LL) - my child's occasional nickname for when he has any tantrum or steps out of line in the most minuscule way. Poor kid is gonna have SUCH a complex. (I guess you can refer to a past entry I have about the whole TV in the bathroom thing to avoid pooping in his pants.)

and my MOST favorite

Little Smoky - in reference also to the size of an old boyfriend's penis. NOT FUN! And may I add...NEVER AGAIN!

Oh - and by the way "Fiddy" got some competition here. I might have to call myself "Two-Fiddy" if I ain't careful. I feel your pain!

Karen said...

My nickname for my ex-husband is FOTY.

As in, Father of the Year.


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