Struggling Today

I'm struggling today with words. I've had so many things to express...yet I have erased everything over and over again.

I HAVE managed to eat an apple with peanut butter in front of my computer screen though.

I am half way through day 9 of my own personal "pursuit of a healthier life". Back to the gym on a regular basis, better food choices and less consumption, no wine every single night, and most importantly which I have tried not to even admit in words on this site so far, no more social smoking.

And I would like to scream from the top of my lungs right now for everyone to hear:

"SHE's ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"
"SHE's ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"

Gym: Easy. Ok, not EASY, but I have always been a gym junkie, so this is merely making the commitment to be there 4-5 times per week again. Everything went down hill since I fractured my foot last Labor Day. What a lame excuse I still have. I have talked to my personal trainer this week - the one I haven't worked with since probably May - and am scheduling my torture sessions with him again. Hoping to start Saturday.

Better Food Choices: Medium Difficulty. I need some type of schedule or plan. If I take the time to plan ahead, I'm ok. When I don't, I'm done. I'm not going to extremes - just less carbs, more protein, more water. Blah, Blah, Blah. Like you really give a shit, I know. But this is self therapy remember? I can't entertain you 100% of the time.

No Nightly Wine: Fucking ridiculous. This isn't even acceptable to me. However, if I am doing well on food choices, it just doesn't make sense to defeat my efforts with all the wine calories. I did have a couple of glasses of wine the other night. And Friday night is cocktails with the girls. I'm not THAT fucking crazy.

Bye Bye Smokes: I'm embarrassed to even associate myself to cig smoking. EWW. I don't consider myself a smoker - never have. Just a "sneaker of cigs". You know, when you're out with the girls. Whatever. It is what it is, and I know I'm not fooling myself. SO, I am done. Day 9. I sometimes smoked zero in a day. A typical day this past year was 5. (Out on a weekend night with girlfriends that also lit up??? yuck!!! Don't want to think about it!) And that's from someone who didn't smoke a year and a half ago...someone who had quit the "social smoking habit" she picked up in college simply to lose weight.

By the way - my dad is a cardiologist.

How pathetic.

I'm going to try to make my words REALITY to me. If it helps me get to day 10, then I guess it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me, right?

So, my humor isn't at par today. I'm annoyed with everyone, fidgety, very irritable and on the edge. But I think my lungs are pinker, and my jeans feel pretty good. Actually, so good that I think I've just convinced myself to open a new bottle of wine for tonight.